My Season of Transformation...

As I reflect back on the year of 2011, I realize that it will always be a year that I’ll remember as if it was yesterday.  It was a very vivid year for me.   Surreal but still very real.  As I sit and recall the year, the memories are permanently etched into my heart, or at least what’s left of it.  I remember in January as I walked out of the exam room from my first prenatal appointment, Dr. J was standing at the nurses desk as she looked at me and chuckled and said “come on preggo”.  I remember receiving the phone call that Jay was at risk of having downs and the panic that flew all over me.  I remember leaving my first UAMS appointment after finding out that Jay didn’t have downs but her cleft lip and palate was forming, with the tears running down my face and the receptionist that kept saying “believe, believe He just wants you to believe” and then the weakness in my legs as I walked down the incline to my car.  I remember that day when Raghan told me that she had prayed to God that He would not let Jay die.   I remember lying on the table in the Cardiology department at ACH with tears streaming down my face as the techs gasped at what they saw and then singing the song “Calvary” as I took the elevator to the 1^st floor.  I remember receiving the phone call from chipper Kate to confirm that Jay did have trisomy 13 as I tried to grasped the fact that this one phone call had changed my life forever.  I remember the song that I was listening to as I labored with Jay “Today’s a new day and there is no sunshine.  Nothing but clouds and it's dark in my heart and it feels like a cold night.  Today's a new day where are my blue skies, where is the love and the joy that you promised me you tell me it's alright.  I almost gave up but a power that I can't explain, fell from heaven like a shower.  I smile even though I'm hurt see I smile.  I know God is working so I smile, even though I've been here for a while, I smile,  smile..."   I remember Dr. J coming in as I got ready to give birth and she came to the head of the bed and whispered “I’ve been praying for you all day”.  I remember my prayer for God to allow her spirit make it out of my womb if only for just a little while and then He did. Oh the joy that overflowed my heart.  Now I sit back and think wow that powerful little spirit changed me, and how God’s presence has transformed me.  I remember after she was born I couldn’t find a doctor to check her out for me and then I called Teresa Little the director of Milestones and the compassion and warmth in her voice filled my heart as she said, “well we’ll check her out and do our own assessment.”  That day I finally felt like someone other than ourselves valued her and her life.  I remember that Saturday morning performing CPR on her and putting my face in my hands as I prayed to God to give her back because I just wasn’t ready.  I remember Mike and myself sitting with her as her sweet spirit slipped away on Thursday, October 6^th and then after everyone left including the funeral home with her little precious body, Mike and I sat outside in our lawn chairs looking into the black sky as if we’d somehow see her spirit somewhere up there looking down on us telling us that she was fine and everything was going to be okay.  I remember sleeping in my bed for the first time without her.  I remember leaving the cemetery after her burial and the heartache I had just knowing that I would be leaving her there forever.  I remember the dozens of times that she stared deep into my eyes as if she had a message for me.  Yes her memories are etched into my heart forever.  I’ve learned so much in the year of 2011.  I learned that it’s never really about the overwhelming moment, it’s more about the “moment” that the overwhelming moment is preparing you for.  I’ve learned not to take a breath from God for granted.  For some that breath is so hard to take.  If we’re breathing, we’re blessed.  I’ve learned that God does truly supply your needs right on time.  Some things that we think we should have, we don’t have because it’s not the time for us to have those things.  I’ve learned to live in the moment because tomorrow we may not have that moment.  I’ve learned that God is who He says He is.  Most of all I’ve learned to just trust God.  He says just believe that I AM who I say I AM.  Believe that I am able, willing and capable of doing anything that you ask.  But I’ve also learned that God may not answer our prayers the way that we think He should, but when the time is right He will answer and if we’re listening He will answer loud and clear.  This morning in church the pastor asked what one thing did we desire God to give us in the year 2012.  My one thing was the piece of my heart that died with Jay that day.  In 2012 I just want my heart to be made whole again and I trust God to do it because He is a God that never fails.  Yes I will remember this year as if it was yesterday.  Thank you for taking this journey with me.   I am thankful for so much, words can’t begin to describe. From the kind words that kept me going each day, to the boldness of your prayers.   Most of all I’m thankful for the peace of God that has sustained me and kept me from going crazy during the most difficult season of my life.  With both sadness and joy this will be my last blog entry for My Season of Hurdles is transitioning to my Season of Transformation.  I’m excited to see what He has in store for me and my family because you see there’s purpose behind all of this pain.  As I close this chapter of my life I will always keep my sweet precious baby girl’s memories alive in my heart.  I trust God completely to bring me full circle on this track.  I know He’s running with me while holding my hand, often picking me up to carry me on His back.  He’s been so good to me, so the only thing that is left me for me to say is Thank you Lord.  God is good.