Hurdle #10
We are now home and it definitely feels good to be home but I know it would feel better under different circumstances. Hospice just left. That was the hardest thing ever signing those papers and receiving liquid morphine on my birthday for my newborn baby. Wow! This is definitely the biggest hurdle so far. However when I look on the bright side of things, I woke up this morning with 3 beautiful kids on this side of glory, so I really can't complain. I still give God the glory and praise Him in spite of. I'm thankful that I wasn't at a memorial service on my birthday because that was my first thought on Monday when my water broke. This has been one long week, but I am so in love with that little angel girl. I still don't know how I can let her go. But I'm sure God has a plan. God is good.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Well enough to go home...
Hurdle #9
Baby J's been doing better and better each day and still maintaining consistent vitals. They are in the process of discharging her. Although I've longed to go home it makes me nervous to think of what could possibly happen at home. Being in the hospital just seems so safe. However I think we're as ready as we could possibly be. God has definitely been preparing us for this moment. Once again I have that sense of calm and peace that I've had throughout this journey. On Monday the 4th I would have balled my eyes out at the fact of bringing Jay home only to walk in and find her not breathing. One thing that I have definitely been in prayer about throughout this journey is that God would prepare me for these moments to come when they were actually here. I knew that previously I wasn't ready for them but I was trusting Him to have me ready when they presented themselves and being the awesome God that He is, He hasn't failed me yet. No we don't know what the future holds but yes I know to trust God because He definitely holds my future and baby J's future. He is so good to us. I asked Raghan how did she feel about Jay coming home and she got all excited. I had to remind her that although Jay was coming home it didn't mean that she would stay forever. You could see me pulling that little bit of joy back away from her. I then told her that I needed her to help me when she came home by being a good big sister even if it is for a small amount of time. I'm thankful to God for preparing Raghan for something grand in her life. I can feel it in my soul. This journey for her will be an important milestone for her just as David being a young boy and tending sheep was an important milestone for him. You just never know what things God's putting in our path to make us into who He desires us to be. Afterall being a Christian isn't about sameness, but about change. God is good.
Baby J's been doing better and better each day and still maintaining consistent vitals. They are in the process of discharging her. Although I've longed to go home it makes me nervous to think of what could possibly happen at home. Being in the hospital just seems so safe. However I think we're as ready as we could possibly be. God has definitely been preparing us for this moment. Once again I have that sense of calm and peace that I've had throughout this journey. On Monday the 4th I would have balled my eyes out at the fact of bringing Jay home only to walk in and find her not breathing. One thing that I have definitely been in prayer about throughout this journey is that God would prepare me for these moments to come when they were actually here. I knew that previously I wasn't ready for them but I was trusting Him to have me ready when they presented themselves and being the awesome God that He is, He hasn't failed me yet. No we don't know what the future holds but yes I know to trust God because He definitely holds my future and baby J's future. He is so good to us. I asked Raghan how did she feel about Jay coming home and she got all excited. I had to remind her that although Jay was coming home it didn't mean that she would stay forever. You could see me pulling that little bit of joy back away from her. I then told her that I needed her to help me when she came home by being a good big sister even if it is for a small amount of time. I'm thankful to God for preparing Raghan for something grand in her life. I can feel it in my soul. This journey for her will be an important milestone for her just as David being a young boy and tending sheep was an important milestone for him. You just never know what things God's putting in our path to make us into who He desires us to be. Afterall being a Christian isn't about sameness, but about change. God is good.
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