Hurdle #30
Day 2 without my sweet precious baby girl. Thank you Lord for helping me to make it. The day just seems so long. I keep trying to remember every inch of her body and my mind is starting to fail me. I'm trying to remember her smell. I found one of her blankets and I know it's crazy but I keep it in bed with us. I don't know if I'll ever wash it. I'm trying to remember how she looked when she cried or just when she was sleeping. I miss her so. I feel so incomplete. When I leave my house I feel like I'm leaving her. When I look in the backseat I realize her carseat isn't there. As the visitors come I find myself searching for a hand towel so that they may wash their hands. I want to see her on her boppy. I see her bottles in the kitchen cabinet and I realize I'll never fix another for her. I sorted a load of her laundry and my heart broke all over again. I know as I come across her constant reminders my heart will continue to break all over again. Just one more walk, just one more bath. To change her diaper one more time, to wrap her in my arms, to kiss her little cheeks, to smell her little neck just one more time. Just to hear her cry. I'm mad at my senses for failing me. I just miss her so. It's such a big adjustment. I know I only had her for 13 weeks but our lives changed in those 13 weeks. How do you go back to the way things were before she entered our world? Is it even possible? Lord please fill this void that has been left in our lives. Rain down on us. We need peace to free our minds. We need strength to finish our journey. I still trust you Lord, you haven't brought me this far to leave me. Never has death come so close to knocking on my door and coming inside our home. Please continue to cover us with your grace Lord. I can only lean on you. Help me Lord to remember the great times that we were blessed with. Help me Lord to celebrate the life of this sweet precious baby girl, the sweet fruit of my womb, and the purpose of her life. Endurance Lord, I need you. Help me to persevere. Lord if you find me stubborn please drag me ahead. I want to be where you want me to be. Clean out my heart, wash away my sins for I'm just a sinner saved by grace. Where would I be if not for grace. Thank you Lord...Thank you Lord. God is good.
