Isaiah 6:1-13 starts out with:
1 In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord, seated on a throne; high and lifted up, and the train of his robe filled the temple. 2 Above him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. 3 And they were calling to one another: “Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory...”
Well in my year, that Baby Jay died, I saw the Lord, seated on a throne, high and lifted up, and the train of His robe has filled my temple. No I didn't physically see Him, but I did see Him through the presence of Jay. By definition a seraphim is an angelic being that stands in the presence of God. My angelic being was my baby girl. The train of God's robe represents His status, His strength, His majesty. God's presence and majesty has completely filled my life. It's filled my life in such an indescribable way. The door posts of my life have been shaken by His voice and all I can think is how unworthy I am to have been handpicked for this beautiful angel, but God is telling me that the King of Glory has taken care of me, He has cleansed me and taken my iniquity away. He's telling me that He wants me to forever speak His word. Forever give my testimony of His goodness, of His glory.
Beth Moore says that the only reason God allows all of the pain in our paths, as much as he loves us, is to bring good from it. My journey will not be in vain. She tells me that God uses painful experiences to birth our life's passions. I can say without a doubt that losing Jay has been my most painful experience. I miss her more than I can put into words. I miss her smell, I miss her touch, I miss the sound of her cry. It's hard to miss something and crave something that you can't do anything about. Each week Raghan says "mama I miss baby Jay can we go see her today?" I'm still waiting to dream about her. To hold her in my dreams, to feel the reality of her in my dreams. It's hard to believe I'm separated from her. I somewhat understand God's plans for her, but Oh how I miss her so. YES, it has been my deepest pain to lose her. You never want to feel helpless when it comes to your children. You just want to be the Superman of their Universe, the captain of their ship, the pilot of their plane, but then again that's God's job and no one can do it as good as He can. I have learned throughout this pain, this daily pain, that I have a deeper passion to serve God and bring glory to His name. Passion - an intense emotion or desire about something. I find great excitement in talking about His goodness. The train of His robe in my life gives me chills. Through the removal of Jay from my life I hear God telling me that He wants me to have more. More of Him. But to have more of Him, I must find myself. To find myself, my true secure self as I have learned, I must lose myself to something greater. I must lose myself to Him. My purpose in my life is to lose myself to Him so that I can have more of Him. The fire is burning inside of me to tell about Him. In order to come full circle with this pain inside of me I have to allow God to use me. I cry out to you as Isaiah cried out, Here I am Lord, set me free to fulfill the purpose you have before me by working everything in my life together for your good. Yes, in the year that I birthed and buried my baby girl, I birthed my passion as I saw the Lord, seated on a throne, high and lifted up. You are God. You ARE God and God is good.
