Hurdle #11
We've made it through the first night at home. It was one long night I must say. I was so excited to be home and be able to lay in my own bed but I never made it away from the couch last night. Jay cried most of the night. I'm pretty sure it's because she's not getting enough milk and she had gas on her little tummy. She's only taking about 1/2 an oz to an oz at a time before she falls asleep. She's yet to drink a whole bottle therefore she's getting hungry a lot quicker. She only slept in 5 and 10 minute intervals. I'm definitely exhausted but taking in every bit of it that I can. Hospice set up an oxygen machine in case she has any more apnea episodes, thankfully we didn't have to use it last night. They also brought medicine for seizures should she start having them and that scares me to death since I know she had one or two in my womb. They also brought morphine for pain in which I can't even think about right now. It's all so overwhelming. I'm just praying that God keeps me. It's all in His will and He has the final say so and I am SO thankful for that.
Jay is sleeping now and she just looks so peaceful. I love when she's peaceful, it makes me peaceful. Today's been a good day. But then I think about her slipping away from me to meet her Creator and selfishly, it saddens me. Every moment that I spend with her makes a small piece of my heart shatter. When I look down to pick up the pieces of my heart to put it back together, they're not there. They seem to be disappearing right in front of my eyes. How could so much be wrong with her little body when so much look so right?? I don't know how Hannah did it in 1 Samuel. If you don't know the story of Hannah she was a one of a kind woman whose husband had another wife that could give him children but Hannah couldn't. Hannah prayed and cried her eyes out for a child. She made a vow to God that if He blessed her with a child she would give the child back to Him for the rest of his life. Well He blessed her with a child (afterall He is an awesome God). Hannah took care of her son Samuel until he was about three and once she weaned him from nursing, she packed him up and took him to the temple for her annual sacrifice and gave him over to the priest to serve God for the rest of his life. I couldn't imagine wanting a child and praying and crying my eyes out promising God I would give the child back if He blessed me with one only to keep the vow and literally give him back at the age of three. He's still a baby. She was one great woman to form such a bond with her son only to give him back and only visit and see him once a year. Afterwards she rejoiced and praised God. What an attitude. I admire Hannah and I pray that I can have the strength and committment to God that she had so long ago.
What I'm learning is that sometimes God brings us to places where we have no control so we have no choice but to lean on and trust in Him. I'd rather lean on and trust in Him any day than myself or MAN. I've had my sweet baby Jay another day and that's reason enough for me to rejoice so I believe I will. God is good.
