Hurdle #7 Today is the 4th of July. Both of my kids spent the night with my parents last night and my neices. I woke up this morning prepared to work half a day so I wouldn't have to take a day of leave. Around 6 am as I was debating whether to sleep in a little longer or to get on up I felt my water break. All I could think was this can't be I'm not scheduled to go in for another week and two days . Am I ready?? I was 100% sure that it was broken so I woke Michael and the process began. I showered (although I know I wasn't suppose to), we packed bags, (clothes for the kids, a bag for me and a bag for Jaylan.) Michael shaved, I took a quick picture, Michael finally found his wallet and we were out the door. I'm not happy that my house is a mess. I don't like coming back to a messy house so I know this will be another thing that bothers me. Since I planned on working anyway, I had Michael drop me off at the office so I could meet up with Tiff, my replacement for maternity leave to wrap up some loose ends and answer any last minute questions. I then came on over to be admitted.
As we left our house this morning I began thinking, Jaylan I'm not ready to let you go. I thought I had another week with you. I wondered as we pulled away from the house and drove up Country Club hill and then down what would I be thinking when I came back over the hill. Would Jay be gone?? I just want to embrace my life now with all of my kids on this side of glory. My heart is getting heavy and sad. They've told me that my blood pressure is running a teeny bit high but I'm sure it's because of the anxiety. I'm praying that God will take this anxiety and fear of expectations away and again replace it with His perfect peace. Don't get me wrong, I'll never in my life underestimate the power of God and His abilities. I know without a doubt that Jaylan can be healed miraculously, because whatever happens is all for His glory. However, as Jesus was praying in the garden in Mark 14:36, he said, "Abba Father, all things are possible with you, take this cup away from me, nevertheless, not what I will but what you will." Even Jesus knew that although God is all powerful it still had to be in His will. We've prayed adamantly from the beginning of things that whatever happens, it's all in His will and His will could very well be to take her on to heaven. After all, she was His to begin with, I've just been blessed and privileged to carry her over these last several months. One thing that I've definitely learned is that this was never about me, and not even about Jaylan. It's always about Him. God is good.
At this point no one knows that I've been admitted except for our parents, and Jan and Tiff from work. We just want to keep everything as calm as possible. It's so important that I keep my mind stayed on thee and His perfect plan and will for our lives. They started my induction about 20 minutes ago and the contractions are definitely coming though not that bad. I still feel a lot of peace right now and I just pray that it continues to flood me. We are in "wait mode". Until later...God is good.
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