This morning I miss Jay terribly. As I study one of the pictures we took of her, Raghan and Braylan, I look into her eyes and see lots of sadness. Not sadness for her but sadness for us. Sadness because she doesn’t want us to be sad when her time came to return home. She knew we would be, just like any other earthly parents. I guess angels can be sad too. Sometimes I wonder if when people pass if they feel more sad for us that are still here to live this life on earth. Obviously earth can’t compare to heaven. On July 2nd two days before Jay graced us with her presence I blogged "I just want to keep Jaylan in my belly forever. I'm going to miss her presence in my life, her movements, her jerks. Oh how I love her. Still praying for strength and peace." I knew the day would come when I would look down and wish deeply that she was back in my womb, kicking and moving and bonding with me. Today is that day and I'm still praying for peace and strength. Each night when I go to bed I look at her picture above our bed and I ask God to let me dream about her. So far I haven’t and I’m sure when the time comes He will place her in my dreams. I want to hold her one more time, pat her one more time, smell her one more time, kiss her one more time and look into those eyes just one more time. My baby girl. Michael has been blessed to dream about her. David in the bible was an emotional man. He prayed to God in Psalm 142:3 “When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, Then You knew my path.” I trust you Lord that as grief overtakes me, You will continue to lead me in Your will. As my flesh rise up against me, I trust You Lord that my spirit will overtake my flesh. David cried out in Psalm 62:5-8 and said, “My rest is in You alone, God. My hope comes from you. You alone are my rock and my salvation, my stronghold. Therefore, I will not be shaken. My salvation and glory depend on You, Lord – my strong rock, my refuge. So I will trust in You at all times. I will pour out my heart before You, for You will hear me and answer in Your perfect time.” Where would I be? You only know, so glad you see through eyes of love, a hopeless case, an empty place if not for grace. Amazing grace how sweet the sound, I once was lost but now I’m found, a hopeless case, an empty place if not for grace. Precious Lord please take my hand. Lead me on, let me stand, a hopeless case, an empty place if not for grace. Thank you Lord for allowing me to have a relationship with you through your grace or else where would I be. I trust you Lord for you are my ROCK. I depend on you Lord to lead me on. I cry out to you Lord as David did for my rest is in you ALONE. I know I will dream about her in Your perfect time. Thank you for your goodness. Thank you for your Love. Thank you for the existence of a better place Lord. Fill my void, make my heart whole, I still have so much love I just don’t know what to do with it. Your plans God. I trust you. God is good.
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