In memory of Baby Jay...

This year we're decorating our tree in memory of Baby Jay, the thought of her just makes my heart smile.

And for this I thank you...

Thanksgiving...normally I am so thankful to have all of my family alive and well (in my presence).  But this year I couldn't exactly say that.  I had to change things up.  Really I'm thankful that my family is alive and well either on this side of glory or the better side.  I'm thankful that I do know where my baby girl is and that she is well and ok.  As a matter of fact she couldn't be better.   She's being held and caressed by the King, our Father, her Father.  I'm simply thankful.  I'm thankful that although it's been a difficult year with an endurance of weeping, things will be brighter with joy coming.  I'm thankful because although I was so scared to bring Jay home from the hospital for fear of her passing here at home, God's plans prevailed and we brought her home and had the best times of our lives.  I wouldn't have had it any other way.  I'm thankful that her final moments WERE here in our home where we loved her most.  Although I painfully miss her I'm thankful that I will see her soon and feel her arms around me neck.  I trust Him.  He will not fail me.  I have so much to be thankful for.  Today Father, I'm thankful that you thought about me in your plans.  I'm thankful for receiving a gift that no one else could have ever given me.  I'm thankful  for an unspeakable connection with you.  I'm thankful for you because where would I be if not for your grace.  Thank you for my family being alive and well, whether with me or with you.  I've just got to say thank you.  This year I have been changed and for this I say thank you.  God is good.

In the year...I saw the Lord...

Isaiah 6:1-13 starts out with: 
 ¹ In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord, seated on a throne; high and lifted up, and the train of his robe filled the temple. ² Above him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. ³ And they were calling to one another:   “Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory...”  

Well in my year, that Baby Jay died, I saw the Lord, seated on a throne, high and lifted up, and the train of His robe has filled my temple.  No I didn't physically see Him, but I did see Him through the presence of Jay.  By definition a seraphim is an angelic being that stands in the presence of God.  My angelic being was my baby girl.  The train of God's robe represents His status, His strength, His majesty.  God's presence and majesty has completely filled my life.  It's filled my life in such an indescribable way.  The door posts of my life have been shaken by His voice and all I can think is how unworthy I am to have been handpicked for this beautiful angel, but God is telling me that the King of Glory has taken care of me, He has cleansed me and taken my iniquity away.  He's telling me that He wants me to forever speak His word.  Forever give my testimony of His goodness, of His glory. 

Beth Moore says that the only reason God allows all of the pain in our paths, as much as he loves us, is to bring good from it.  My journey will not be in vain.  She tells me that God uses painful experiences to birth our life's passions.  I can say without a doubt that losing Jay has been my most painful experience.  I miss her more than I can put into words.  I miss her smell, I miss her touch, I miss the sound of her cry.  It's hard to miss something and crave something that you can't do anything about.  Each week Raghan says "mama I miss baby Jay can we go see her today?"  I'm still waiting to dream about her.  To hold her in my dreams, to feel the reality of her in my dreams. It's hard to believe I'm separated from her.  I somewhat understand God's plans for her, but Oh how I miss her so.  YES, it has been my deepest pain to lose her.  You never want to feel helpless when it comes to your children.  You just want to be the Superman of their Universe, the captain of their ship, the pilot of their plane, but then again that's God's job and no one can do it as good as He can.  I have learned throughout this pain, this daily pain, that I have a deeper passion to serve God and bring glory to His name. Passion - an intense emotion or desire about something.  I find great excitement in talking about His goodness.  The train of His robe in my life gives me chills.  Through the removal of Jay from my life I hear God telling me that He wants me to have more.  More of Him.  But to have more of Him, I must find myself.  To find myself, my true secure self as I have learned, I must lose myself to something greater.  I must lose myself to Him.  My purpose in my life is to lose myself to Him so that I can have more of Him.  The fire is burning inside of me to tell about Him.  In order to come full circle with this pain inside of me I have to allow God to use me.  I cry out to you as Isaiah cried out, Here I am Lord, set me free to fulfill the purpose you have before me by working everything in my life together for your good.  Yes, in the year that I birthed and buried my baby girl, I birthed my passion as I saw the Lord, seated on a throne, high and lifted up.  You are God.  You ARE God and God is good.

A year later...

Never could I have imagined the train coming so quickly down my track only to look up and find its bright lights staring at me dead in my face.  It felt like slow motion. It's been a year since I became pregnant with Jay although I didn't know it at the time. The chromosomes were already sorted. My sweet precious angel was already growing into her presence in my womb. I can't believe how fast this year has come and gone.  I can hear the bells ringing and see the bright lights shining from heaven, as the angels rejoiced for the seed was now planted. The boldness of this child, the courage that she obtained, the strength that she was clothed in. The ship was sailing, the rocket had taken off, the plane had lifted, no turning back now the moment was here for the assignment was only beginning. Instructions were in order, obedience  was being followed. My precious, precious baby girl was on the way. For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord...Jeremiah 29:11. The plan was still in motion.  God was stirring this ship, God was piloting this plane.  God was in control of this plan.  God had the power over this destiny.  My God, so BIG, so powerful.  Nothing left to say but this was God and God is good.

But the greatest of these is love...Love sets us free!

I saw a beautiful baby girl today that was probably the same age that Jay would have been.  She was laughing and waving her arms and kicking her feet.  There was such joy in her eyes and I long to have that for Jay.  I just miss her so.  As crazy as it sounds there is  actually a comfort deep down inside that Jay lived the planned amount of time that she was destined to live.  There were never any plans for her to have a first day of school, to go to her senior prom or to walk down the aisle marrying the man of her dreams.  It was never in her plans to live beyond her 13 weeks and 2 days.  There's a comfort deep down inside of me that my child wasn't robbed of her childhood or even her life.  She lived a full life for a 13 week old.  What a blessing for me to know.  When I think about all of the visitors and all the prayers and all of those that showed up to her Celebration of Life, my heart though still void is yet full.  It's full because the love was felt.  I couldn't have asked for more love for her.  Love sets us free.  All of the love that surrounded Jay aka "my angel in disguise" set her free.  Because we loved her so much we set her free again the moment we asked God to receive her spirit.  My baby angel is flying free with a huge smile on her face, if only I could see the joy in her eyes.  Priceless.  I miss her so much that it hurts but I'm comforted enough by knowing that she lived a full life liberated by love.    "And now these three remain, faith, hope and love but the greatest of these is love."  1 Corinthians 13:13.  God is love, God is good.

Sweet Jesus...

Today is the one month anniversary of my sweet, sweet baby girl slipping away, back to the Father, the King of Glory.  My heart still aches and it seems that every day it hurts more and more instead of feeling better and better.  I miss her like crazy.  I have no words for the void that’s been left in my heart but I trust God to fill it when the time is right.  So thankful for my sweet, sweet Jesus.  Where would I be if not for His grace?? Sweet Jesus, who was forced to carry His own cross to His place of death.  Sweet Jesus, who was mocked for doing nothing wrong.  Sweet Jesus who was beaten over and over and over again.  Sweet Jesus with a crown of thorns placed upon His head as blood ran down His swollen beaten face.  In His final three hours from noon to three, the sky grew dark all over the land. As He called out to God to receive His spirit, the veil of the temple was torn into from top to bottom, the earth shook, the rocks split. Jesus!  Why would this sweet, sweet, INNOCENT man who died such a horrible death for me, care so much about me.  This sweet, sweet man sits to the right of God, interceding for me, catching every tear from me, feeling every crack in my heart and keeping every piece that shatters so that when the time is right He can make it whole again.  My sweet, sweet Jesus who heard my prayer and allowed me to hear my sweet baby girl’s voice when I didn’t know if she would survive birth.  My sweet, sweet Jesus allowed me to bring home my baby girl to enjoy a precious relationship with her.  My sweet, sweet Jesus who allowed me to be present during my sweet baby girl’s last hour.  To be able to hold her as her heart stopped beating, as her blood stopped flowing, as her chest stopped moving.   My sweet, sweet Jesus who heard my cry out to Him and in return He cried out to the Father for me.  How could this man love me so much??  What sweetness, what goodness.  Because of His incredible love for me, I know He’ll fill that void.  Because of His incredible love for me I know He’ll comfort my aching heart.  Because of that incredible love for me, I know we’ll meet again.  My sweet, sweet Savior.  My sweet, sweet baby girl.  Purity.  Nothing but goodness for God is good. 

Her sadness ... my ROCK...

This morning I miss Jay terribly.  As I study one of the pictures we took of her, Raghan and Braylan, I look into her eyes and see lots of sadness.  Not sadness for her but sadness for us.  Sadness because she doesn’t want us to be sad when her time came to return home.  She knew we would be, just like any other earthly parents.  I guess angels can be sad too.  Sometimes I wonder if when people pass if they feel more sad for us that are still here to live this life on earth.  Obviously earth can’t compare to heaven.  On July 2nd two days before Jay graced us with her presence I blogged "I just want to keep Jaylan in my belly forever.  I'm going to miss her presence in my life, her movements, her jerks.  Oh how I love her.  Still praying for strength and peace."  I knew the day would come when I would look down and wish deeply that she was back in my womb, kicking and moving and bonding with me.  Today is that day and I'm still praying for peace and strength.  Each night when I go to bed I look at her picture above our bed and I ask God to let me dream about her.  So far I haven’t and I’m sure when the time comes He will place her in my dreams.   I want to hold her one more time, pat her one more time, smell her one more time, kiss her one more time and look into those eyes just one more time.  My baby girl.  Michael has been blessed to dream about her.  David in the bible was an emotional man.  He prayed to God in Psalm 142:3 “When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, Then You knew my path.”  I trust you Lord that as grief overtakes me, You will continue to lead me in Your will.  As my flesh rise up against me, I trust You Lord that my spirit will overtake my flesh.  David cried out in Psalm 62:5-8 and said, “My rest is in You alone, God.  My hope comes from you.  You alone are my rock and my salvation, my stronghold.  Therefore, I will not be shaken.  My salvation and glory depend on You, Lord – my strong rock, my refuge.  So I will trust in You at all times.  I will pour out my heart before You, for You will hear me and answer in Your perfect time.”  Where would I be?  You only know, so glad you see through eyes of love, a hopeless case, an empty place if not for grace.  Amazing grace how sweet the sound, I once was lost but now I’m found, a hopeless case, an empty place if not for grace.  Precious Lord please take my hand.  Lead me on, let me stand, a hopeless case, an empty place if not for grace.  Thank you Lord for allowing me to have a relationship with you through your grace or else where would I be.  I trust you Lord for you are my ROCK.  I depend on you Lord to lead me on.  I cry out to you Lord as David did for my rest is in you ALONE.  I know I will dream about her in Your perfect time.  Thank you for your goodness.  Thank you for your Love.  Thank you for the existence of a better place Lord.  Fill my void, make my heart whole, I still have so much love I just don’t know what to do with it.  Your plans God.  I trust you.  God is good.

Setting the plan in motion...

On June 7, 2010, Michael lost his job with the Log Cabin.  I remember that day in June when he found out, he spent the whole day with his dad and chose not to inform me until later that evening.  Mostly because I normally jump off the deep end and turn beyond hysterical.  He wasn't for sure how I would react to the news.  Later that evening when he told me, I remember a sense of peace.  I told him that it was okay and that it must have been in God's plan and He would open a better door of opportunity for him.  I'm sure Michael wondered where his real wife had disappeared to.  I had always said that if one of us lost our job, we'd have to pack up and move in with my parents.  Wow, what a provider God has been to us.  It definitely hasn't been easy considering Mike is still unemployed but God has definitely been a keeper of His word.  He's provided for us every step of the way.  When we found out we were pregnant with Jay in January, I remember wondering why would God plant this seed with only one of us working.  I just couldn't understand His timing.  Aha moment: It's not always meant for us to understand His timing.  It's only meant for us to trust His timing because His timing will never be wrong.  Right after Jay passed I remember Michael saying how honored he was to be able to get up and take our kids to school and daycare everyday and pick them up.  He was a proud daddy.  Today as I walk around folding Jay's clothes and putting things away, God brought Michael's words to my remembrance as He slowly began to reveal another aspect of His plan to me.  We knew on that day a year and a half ago that Michael losing his job was all in God's plan for him but little did we know that God and the rest of heaven were rejoicing as He set the plan for Jaylan Khristian Allen in motion.  It was already in His plans that Michael would be needed to drop Jay off at daycare every morning at 8:15 and pick her up every afternoon at 2:30.  He knew with the limited precious amount of time that we would have with Jay that Michael would need to devote most of his time here at home instead of traveling in the evenings from county to county.  God continued to provide and prepare us as heaven prepared to release an angel into our lives to fulfill the work of the Lord.  What an amazing God I serve!  And then to think of heaven rejoicing again as she returned faithful to our God on October 6th.  Little did we know that it was all apart of the brilliant, life changing plan of God.  Thank you Lord for continuing to reveal to me your plan piece by piece.  In Habakkuk 2:2 God tells Habakkuk to "write the vision and make it plain on tablets".   Well now I see that God too will make His vision plain to us if we have patience and just trust Him.  Sometimes we just don't understand why God allows some things to happen in our lives.  We just don't get it and sometimes we may never understand.  But God just asks us to trust Him.  If we really believe that He is who He says He is when he says I AM GOD than we will trust Him.  Trust isn't just a word, but it's an action.  Thank you Lord for your manifestation.  Please continue to surround us with your spirit and fill the hole that has been left in our hearts and we will continue to trust you.  My God!  Full of goodness and magnificence.  God is good!

Change...

Really missing my baby girl.  Every chance someone gives me to share my story and tell how good God has been to us it takes me to a new level.  I will forever give my testimony.  I participate in a Beth Moore bible study at New Life Church and I'm learning that sometimes change is hard but if we want to move to that next level in Christ, it has to happen.  Beth tells us that God uses change not to destroy us but to change us.  Sometimes change is dramatic and sometimes one change can change everything.  Our change happened with the phone call of our amnio test results.  Philippians 1:6 says that He that began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  This change has taught me to trust God.  REALLY trust God.  It has taught me to really believe in His plans.  Instead of talking about His plans, I'm living His plans.  Sometimes we know scripture so well but when we bring scripture to LIFE it really can change the perspective of things.  This change has revealed to me my purpose in life. My purpose.  In January of this year before we found out we were pregnant, I prayed to God that I felt distant from Him and I asked Him to restore our connection I also asked Him to use me as His vessel.  Little did I know His plans for me and Oh did He restore our connection even to the point of blessing me to carry one of His angels in my womb.  The closeness of His presence.  You can't tell me that God doesn't answer prayers.  Sometimes it's not the way we want them answered, but He answers according to His will.  The answer to my prayer came through a dramatic change in our lives.  I miss my Jay more and more everyday, but I choose to be thankful for the change.  The change that has brought me closer to Thee.  The change that has helped me connect to my soul.  The change that will allow me to look at life differently for the rest of my life.  The change.  Song on my heart tonight "Changed".  The change that God allowed to move me to that next level.  We are here for a purpose.  If we never find that purpose, than we deny ourselves the life that God created for us.  I will no longer deny myself.  I will forever give testimony of His goodness.  I will forever give Him the Glory.  Thank you Lord for my Jay.  Thank you Lord for my change.  God is good.

He says "Be still and know that I am God"

I have a confession to make and I have to be completely honest.  I wanted Jaylan to live a full life obviously because any parent wants their child to live a full and prosperous life.  But a small part of me wanted her to live just because doctors said she wouldn't and I wanted God to prove them wrong.  I know God has more power and I know that not all of the doctors we saw were believers.  A part of me kept thinking "show them Lord.  Just show them how mighty you really are.  Show them that You Are God and you have ALL power".  I wanted to go back and say "this was God!" I wanted them to know just who God really IS and to see firsthand what He's capable of because I know without a shadow of a doubt that He could have healed her here on earth.  It just wasn't His plan for her.  Her healing was in heaven.   When she passed I felt sad that some people that did not know God still don't.  Forgive me Lord for trying to take over your plan that you had created long before me.  Now as God continues to reveal Himself to me I feel Him saying, Oh the day will come when they will know just who I am.  I am God.  Here I am trying to prove who God really is and here He is saying I got this!  He reveals Himself in His own time.  He says "Be still and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the nations I will be exalted in the earth".  We don't have to "prove" a thing.  He will be exalted.  Thank you Lord for making it clear to me that you do not need my help.  Lord move me out of the way.  Sometimes God just needs us to be still.  He doesn't need us to be busybodies.  He needs us to just be still and realize the fullness of who He is.  I have to say, He's definitely awesome.  My God!  God is good!

Lord please fill the void...

We went to visit Jay's resting place today.  There's something about knowing that she's back home with God.  Most people don't know but we buried her in between my grandparents.  I can see them greeting her at heaven's gates.  I know she's even more spoiled up there, than she was down here.  Braylan's finally starting to ask "where is jay jay".  I told him we were going to visit her today and when we got to the cemetery he kept saying "mama where's jay".  I showed him where she was buried and I told him Jay was in heaven with God,  he said "jay come here".  Bless his heart one day he'll understand.  I ate lunch the other day at school with Raghan and her friends kept asking if Raghan really had a baby sister that died.  Raghan whispered across the table, "there was an angel in her body".  Priceless.  There doing so well and I'm so thankful to God for it.   I know He's giving them peace just like He's giving us. It makes me sad to think that one day Bray won't remember her since he's so young.  I pray that God continues to fill the void that's been left in my heart.  I trust that He can and I trust that He will in due time.  I find myself waking up during the night thinking about her because every night for 13 weeks I'd stare into her face as she slept between Michael and I.  Feels so weird for her not to be there.  Our bed feels empty.  I miss her and I vision her all through out the day in our home or in the car.  I haven't taken any of her clothes out of the closet yet or put up any of her things.   Although I have a bit of an empty feeling inside of me I know God is the King of Comfort and He hasn't failed me yet.  I trust Him.  I trust Him to continue to make me whole and to continue to move me into the position He has planned for me.  Missing and loving my sweet precious baby girl aka "my angel in disguise" but I know God got this one too.  God is good.

When the time is right...

God has certainly been busy revealing Himself to me this week and I'm thankful for that.  Sometimes when we're going through we have so many questions and we want to know why we have to go through the things set before us.  God is an all wise God, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways are higher than our ways.  God doesn't always allow us to see the big picture ahead of time because we probably would fail to trust Him.  I'm learning that sometimes He just wants to know if we truly trust Him.  We probably couldn't handle the big picture and we probably wouldn't receive the message the way God intended us to receive it.  Sometimes God just need us to ride and let Him do the driving.  Obviously He doesn't need any help.  I'm so glad that He's slowly revealing Himself to me during this season of hurdles.  If I would have known ahead of time the road that was before me, I don't think I would have enjoyed the time that I had with Jay and I wouldn't have made the most of it.  I also don't think I would have learned all that I've learned.  He's revealed a lot to me about Jay's purpose and I'm sure He will continue to for years to come.  When we began finding things out back in March I could feel His voice in my soul telling me "When the time is right, I will reveal myself."  Until then His plan just had to unfold.  But I trusted Him then, I trust Him now, and I will continue to trust Him as He moves me into my future.  After all He does know best.  Thank you Lord for your perfect timing.  Thank you Lord for your perfect plan.  Thank you Lord for constantly revealing yourself to me and reminding me that You Are God!  God is good.

From the beginning to end...

Another lesson for me today is that when God uses us to complete His work He will give us every possible resource needed to finish the work.  When we found out we were pregnant with Jaylan we honestly didn't know where the money would come from to care for a third child.  I never had a baby shower because we weren't for sure if she would live after birth and we didn't want anyone to waste their money.  But Oh how God works.  We didn't have to purchase hardly a thing.  For 13 weeks with no baby shower we didn't have to purchase hardly a thing not even the cost of her daycare.  We didn't breastfeed, and we didn't apply for WIC.  God supplied the milk.  She didn't go without a single thing that a baby typically needs.  God supplied everything from the beginning to the end, including the cost of her memorial service.  He says "I am the Alpha, the Omega, the Beginning and the End, the First and the Last."  When God uses us to complete His work He will give us every possible resource needed to finish the work.  Psalm 23:1 says, "The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want".  We didn't have to want for a thing.  His grace IS sufficient and His grace got us through it.  You see God is a real God and He's a serious God.  God don't play and God don't half do things.  When God does something, He goes all the way.  When God has an assignment to be completed He will allow nothing to get in the way of the assignment being completed.  God is the God of all, money is nothing to Him.  Why are we so afraid to be used by God, not that we would admit it. Don't we trust Him?? Lord you know I don't deserve your goodness, but I thank you.  Thank you for showing up.  Thank you for showing out.  Thank you for being you.  You are God! God is good!

My angel in disguise...

One thing that I have now learned is that when God puts something in your heart He will confirm it if you allow Him too.  In the blog entry on August 7th, I stated "Sometimes when she's awake she stares so deep into my eyes and I stare so deep into her eyes.  It feels like she can see my soul and I can see her soul.  There's so much character in her soul.  So much life.  I see lots of strength and so much more that I just can't put my finger on but I trust God to show me in due time all that there is to know about her.  When I sing and talk about Jesus to her it seems as if she already knows Him but wants to know more."  I've had a feeling about her for a couple of days now.  My feeling was confirmed by God through a good friend of mine as well as an uncle.  I feel that Jay knew for herself the real purpose that she was here.  She knew she was here on assignment and she knew that she only had 13 weeks to complete it.  Jaylan was an angel in disguise.  She wasn't meant to be here any longer than she was.  She was on a mission for the kingdom of GLORY.  I felt like I was staring into her soul because I was.  I could see her strength because it was really there.   She listened to the stories about Jesus, because she already knew Him.  She was one of God's angels in disguise.  She knew.  We were chosen.  I can't put into words the overwhelming feeling that floods into my heart for being chosen.  The intimacy of His presence.  The realness of His work.  The MIGHTINESS of His power.  I cry tears of thankfulness because I don't know what else to do.  I'm so not worthy Lord.  I'm so not worthy, but I am thankful. You just never know when you're in the presence of His angels. God is good!

Biggest Hurdle of all...

Hurdle #32

Today I buried my baby girl.

Peace that surpasseth all understanding...

Today was a true celebration of not only Baby Jay's life on earth, but also Baby Jay's life in heaven.  We were truly blessed with God's PERFECT peace and comfort.  He's still blowing me away.   There's something about knowing that her soul is exactly where it should be.  I think that all along, her spirit knew.  Mike and I both agree that never in our life have we "not" broken down during a memorial service.  Wow God!  I wondered how I would feel on this day.  There's a peace about knowing that she's ok.  My sweet, precious baby girl is ok.  Lord I don't know how you do it, but you're amazing.  Thank you Lord.  Thank you for the whole journey.  Thank you for your goodness.  Thank you for your peace, thank you for being our strength and thank you for that precious baby angel you sent for your kingdom glory.  You are God and we bless your name!  God is good.

Day 4 without my baby girl

Today was a little better.  I feel God preparing me for tomorrow.  Usually it's the service where it hits me hard and I fall completely apart.  Today I viewed her body, and I had that feeling again.  The feeling of sadness as I left her for the second time, but I had to remind myself, it's just her body, her spirit's gone.  I couldn't bring myself to go to visitation so please forgive me.  I'm praying for God to build my strength for tomorrow.  I'm so thankful for the awareness of life and life's purposes throughout this journey.  God still amazes me because I'm still learning.  I almost have an excitement about her Celebration of Life tomorrow.  I'm feeling more peace.  Life is not about this world and the things of it.  Life is about Glory and everything around it.  I think when we truly realize that the things of this world will soon pass away, truly realize it, we'll be one step closer to God.  Once we begin living as if the things of this world will soon pass away, we'll be even closer.  Lord, you have my attention.  Lord I see your hand, I feel your presence.  Cover my mind and use me as your vessel.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for not giving me more than I can bear.  My family will be in need of your comfort tomorrow.  We will need you to mend our hearts, dry our tears, hold our hands and Lord most of all, show your Glory.  Rain on our celebration tomorrow with your Spirit.  Remove the heaviness of our hearts Lord and breathe new life into us.  Clean out my heart Lord, wash away my sins Lord, show up and show out.  In Jesus' name.  God is good.

Day 4 without Baby Jay

Hurdle #31
Today was a pretty decent day.  We took the kids to see the Lion King to try and stay positive.  Tomorrow I will go and view her body and I know it's going to be hard.  I haven't seen her since they took her from me Thursday night.  It just seems unreal to have someone come and take your baby away.  I'm asking God to provide me with the strength to make it through.  Send your peace Lord.  I trust Him.  I'm starting to get tired and I'm not getting much sleep because I think about her all night and I how I have to get use to not having her next to me.  Lord carry me through this week without my sweet precious baby girl.  It was the absolute best 13 weeks of my life!  So thankful I had them.  Very grateful He blessed me with them.  Thank you Lord,  I know you're not giving me more than I can bear.  Send your grace for tomorrow.  Thank you Lord.  God is good.

Day 2 without my sweet precious baby girl...

Hurdle #30
Day 2 without my sweet precious baby girl.  Thank you Lord for helping me to make it.  The day just seems so long.  I keep trying to remember every inch of her body and my mind is starting to fail me.  I'm trying to remember her smell.  I found one of her blankets and I know it's crazy but I keep it in bed with us.  I don't know if I'll ever wash it.  I'm trying to remember how she looked when she cried or just when she was sleeping.  I miss her so.  I feel so incomplete.  When I leave my house I feel like I'm leaving her.  When I look in the backseat I realize her carseat isn't there.  As the visitors come I find myself searching for a hand towel so that they may wash their hands.  I want to see her on her boppy.  I see her bottles in the kitchen cabinet and I realize I'll never fix another for her.  I sorted a load of her laundry and my heart broke all over again.  I know as I come across her constant reminders my heart will continue to break all over again.  Just one more walk, just one more bath.  To change her diaper one more time, to wrap her in my arms, to kiss her little cheeks, to smell her little neck just one more time.  Just to hear her cry.  I'm mad at my senses for failing me. I just miss her so.  It's such a big adjustment.  I know I only had her for 13 weeks but our lives changed in those 13 weeks.  How do you go back to the way things were before she entered our world?  Is it even possible?  Lord please fill this void that has been left in our lives.  Rain down on us.  We need peace to free our minds.  We need strength to finish our journey.  I still trust you Lord, you haven't brought me this far to leave me.  Never has death come so close to knocking on my door and coming inside our home.  Please continue to cover us with your grace Lord.  I can only lean on you.  Help me Lord to remember the great times that we were blessed with.  Help me Lord to celebrate the life of this sweet precious baby girl, the sweet fruit of my womb, and the purpose of her life.  Endurance Lord, I need you.  Help me to persevere.  Lord if you find me stubborn please drag me ahead.  I want to be where you want me to be.  Clean out my heart, wash away my sins for I'm just a sinner saved by grace.   Where would I be if not for grace.  Thank you Lord...Thank you Lord.  God is good.

Day 1 without Jay...

Hurdle #29
Last night was my first night sleeping without Jay and today was my first day without loving and kissing on her.  It still seems like a dream.  My heart is aching.  I miss her smell.  I miss patting her bottom.  I just miss her so much.  As I write this blog entry I realize just how weak I am so unfortunately it will be a very short entry because right now I just can't bear it.  Her Celebration of Life service will be Tuesday at 12:00 noon at my church Mt. Gale in Lake Conway.  I know it was all in the plans and God is still showing Himself in a mighty way Praise God.  Praying for strength and peace specifically right now.  Make my heart whole Lord, make it whole.  God is good.

On to GloryLand...

My sweet, sweet baby girl passed away this evening at 5:40 pm.  I know she was received with open arms by our loving Savior.  I still trust Him.  I couldn't have ever imagined this day, but as I was leaving this morning and kissed her goodbye, I knew something was different.  Although awake she just wasn't there.  I knew she was already gone.  It was a feeling deep down in my soul.  My baby girl, my baby girl.  She's been so weak since she's been home from the hospital.  When I came home this evening she was even weaker.  I never knew that I would recognize death before death came but I did.  She was the spitting image of my Granny Lee right before she passed.  I called my mama this evening and I said "Mama, something just ain't right with Jay, I'm going to call hospice."  The feeling was there. God was bracing me and covering me at the same time.  Mike was outside with the kids.  I went out and told him that I felt it was time and I was calling hospice.  Jay was so out of it and began to seem uncomfortable.  I said "Lord please receive her spirit.  I can't take her being uncomfortable Lord I just can't take it."  He received it.  Our hearts are heavy.  It seems unreal.  We miss her so.  A third of my heart is missing.  The shattered pieces will never be put together again.  My vision is still real.  I know I'll see her running and laughing and playing, just not on this side of glory.  I'm trying to remember her smell, I'm trying to remember her touch, I want to remember her cry.   My baby girl, my baby girl.  I can see her running towards me when I cross over into glory land.  She'll be different in a good way.  At this point I'm just thankful.  Pure thankful.  I pray that I was a good mama to my sweet precious baby girl.  It's been an honor, a privilege.  These last 13 weeks, I've had the time of my life!  I've truly enjoyed being the mama of three.   My baby girl, my baby girl.  It is my prayer that she felt my love.  My deep, deep love for her.  As she was passing, I sang one more time.  "Like a ship that's tossed and driven, battered by an angry sea.  When the storms of life are raging, and the fury falls on me.  I wonder what I have done.  To make this race so hard to run.  Then I say, to my soul, don't worry Oh, the Lord will make a way somehow."   I called my mama and I said "Mama she's gone."

We love you baby Jay more than you will ever know.  You made my heart beat in a different way.  You made me love in a new way.  You made me believe in the best way.  It's been the greatest having you in our lives.  You made me feel like royalty.  Thank you for gracing us with your presence.  My baby girl, my baby girl.  Can't wait until that day...when we meet again.

I love you so my sweet precious baby girl,

Love

Your mama

Thank you so much Lord.  God is so good!

Faith...

Today I turned my calendar on my desk and it says, "We live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7.  Thank you so much Lord for your constant reminders.  Faith.  What a wonderful thing.  I'm so thankful that I have the opportunity to live by faith.  Faith keeps me up instead of down.  Faith lights the way in all my darkness.  Faith constantly reminds me just how much you love us Lord.  Thank you for providing us with the proper tools to get through each day.  Faith, the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.  Lord I have faith.  You know my heart.  Trusting you.  Thank you Lord for faith.  God is good.

Willing...

Today was a pretty calm day for Jay.  She slept 12 straight hours through the night last night.  I'm sure she's so exhausted bless her heart.  She's slept the majority of today.  She still has a lot of fluid on her little body.  She's beginning to cry quieter and quieter and I have a feeling that has to do with her vocal chords.  I really hate that she's having such a tough week but I trust God to send some good days her way.

In the 9th chapter of Luke Jesus tells His disciples to "Follow me".  What I'm learning is that a "willing" follower of Jesus realizes that being a follower is not going to always be convenient with our lives.  Challenges will come, difficulties will be presented, trials will happen.  It's easy to get comfortable with our lives.  It's easy to get into a routine.  Sometimes we try to fit Jesus into our routine.  A serious follower builds their routine around Jesus.  But when we're "willing" followers, our priorities are in order.  When our priorities are in the "correct" order, Jesus comes first.  It begins and ends with Him.  When we put Jesus first in our lives we drop everything for Jesus.  Everything.  We no longer focus on our flesh but we began to focus on His Spirit.  Even when we don't understand, even when we don't agree and even when we just don't feel like it.  It's not about us.  Help me Lord not to deny you but to become the "willing" disciple that you desire for me to be.  It's all a choice.  I don't fully understand things.  I don't understand at all.  I don't understand why this sweet precious child of mine has to bear this cross that's been given to her.   But Lord I'm willing and as hard as it is, I surrender all.  Please Lord continue to shine your bright light in the midst of our dark days.  Carry us on the days that we cannot walk.  Give us vision on days that we cannot see.  Give us wisdom on days that we cannot think.  Be her breath on days she cannot breathe.  Carry her in the midst of her dark days.  Don't leave her alone Father, please hold her hand.  We trust you Lord.  Clean out my heart Lord.  In Jesus' name I release this prayer.  Thank you Lord.  Bless you Lord.  God is good.

In the bouncer

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

God is love...

We are home sweet home and back to a normal running house.  Bray's screaming, Raghan's ignoring me and Jay is just simply chilling!  I just love it.  She's had her first bottle since we've been home and she did just perfect with it.  Bless you Lord!  Michael told me that when we rode off on the ambulance on Saturday Raghan said "At least we have a picture".  Breaks my heart but I'm so glad that her teacher Mrs. Melton had all the kids in the class made her cards.  I just love it and Raghan was thrilled.  We're going to try and continue to feed Jay with a bottle but if it causes a problem we'll switch to a tube that's dropped down her nose and into the intestines.  Right now my fav hospice nurse Charlie is on her way to visit us.  Thank you Lord for discharging us and cover those that are still waiting to be discharged.  Lord allow your Spirit to camp out in our home tonight.  We need you.  Please continue to hold and watch over baby Jay.  Thank you Lord for putting us in a position to live by faith. Thank you for your everlasting love that we are so not worthy of.  God is love.  God is good.

A poem for my baby girl...Welcome home and Happy 3 months!

My world stopped

My heart dropped

In my arms

Your body went limp

Your arms fell to your side

all I could think was how short of a ride

I wasn't ready

It just couldn't be

I put my head down and cried Lord help me

My baby Jay

My baby girl

You tried to slip away

Away from this world

But God said uh uh uh,

Not just yet

I still have plans for you

Mama don't you fret

He said I AM GOD

just trust me

I got this

don't you see??

He showed up,

He showed out,

My God, My God

I just want to shout

We bless your name

So glad you came

To set us free

Lord we believe

Thank you Lord

Bless you Lord

Glory to God,

He is good I tell you

God is good. 

Welcome home baby girl!!



I wasn't choking her, I was trying to get her to stop crying :)



You are my peace and I worship Thee...

Not only are we blessed with a ride home Praise God, but He blessed us with a peaceful ride home. God is good!

Home sweet home we're on our way...

We are finally leaving ACH. We had to wait for a portable oxygen tank. Now on to pick up the rest of the kiddos and then home sweet home. Thank you Lord for allowing us to bring her home. We are lifting you and praising you with all of our hearts. God is good.

Baby girl minus 2 tubes yay!!

Day 4 at ACH...We're back at Your throne BOLDLY and specifically...

Like a ship that's tossed and driven, battered by an angry sea.  When the storms of life are raging, and the fury falls on me.  I wonder what I have done, to make this race so hard to run.  Then I say, to my soul don't worry Oh, the Lord will make a way somehow.

Yes Jay the angry sea is all around you.  Your storms are raging and you don't even know it.  Mama knows your race is hard and I wish I could run it for you, but we trust God, that He has your soul.  We trust God that He's running your race.  Don't worry baby girl, the Lord will make a way.  God got this and God got you.  You're covered. 
Love Mama

I think I sing this song about 20 times a day to Jay. It comforts her and settles her down.  She calms down and stares at me as if she's saying "okay mama".  Priceless.  Yesterday was a really tough day for us.  Her doctor feels that everything that's happening is just the progression of her disease.  We are out of ICU and in a regular room since all of her tests came back negative for infection.  Thankfully last night Jay had a pretty good night.  I'm sure she's so worn out from everyone touching her and invading her space.  I think she eventually got up to a pound and a half of fluid and finally it's starting to go down.  I can't imagine how miserable she must feel I just pray that God comforts her to no end.  We should get her swallow study done today although the speech therapist isn't sure if it will help anything.   Thicker liquids are usually good to help a baby not aspirate but in Jay's case she already has so much secretion in the back of her throat (very common for trisomy babies) that the thicker liquid isn't helping her. This secretion tends to weaken their lungs until they just stop breathing.  It could have possibly had something to do with her not being able to take the next breath last Saturday morning.  We should be getting dismissed today, but we haven't seen a doctor.  We have lots of hard decisions to make.  Decisions that a mom or dad would never want to make.  Right now, we are coming boldly and specifically before His throne of grace asking that God opens her airway Himself.  Reduce the secretion, Mold her heart, Develop that brain, Strengthen those lungs dear Lord, ease her pain, hold her in Your arms Lord.  We trust you.  We believe in Your Almighty power.  We are thankful Lord.  Thankful for Your showering grace.  Thankful for the blessing of Life.  Thankful for the purity of Your goodness.  We need wisdom Lord.  We need guidance to make the right decisions in baby girl's life.  Not decisions about what we think should be done, but decisions that follow the plan that You formed so long ago.  Keep Your Spirit and Your angels encamped all around her Lord.  Keep her peaceful at all times Lord. You know her needs.  SHE needs You.  Lord You are the greatest and we trust You.  Move us out of Your way to do what You do because You do it best.  Clean our hearts Lord and receive our prayer.  In Jesus name!  God is good.