Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Jay...Perfect Timing...

Happy Birthday to my sweet Baby Jay!  Can't believe it's already been a year.  Oh the things that she would be doing...  We have a few things planned to celebrate this wonderful day.  Yesterday we had our big anatomical ultrasound at UAMS.  I didn't even realize until a few weeks ago that this big appointment was scheduled the day before Jay's birthday.   They looked at every possible thing with Baby Lay that they could see.  We even saw her lips and palate.  No structural damage anywhere.  We saw all four chambers of the heart which was bittersweet.  All I could think of was the cardiac doctor telling me that Jay's heart wasn't normal and was too fatty (loosey goosey, his exact words) but here I was yesterday seeing that Lay's heart was beautiful and healthy.  At one point the tech said, "She's bouncing up and down because she's lying on your aorta."  This child was bouncing from my heartbeat :).  I've never been told that before.  What a message.  I feel that God was telling me that Jesus has come to bind the brokenhearted.  (Isaiah 61)  Here this sweet baby girl was lying close to my heart to remind me that He's still holding my heart especially during the time that I need Him most.  Huge messages can come in the smallest packages.  Don't overlook the small things.  I don't think I can even describe the relief we felt leaving the high risk clinic for the last time.  Chipper Kate asked if we wanted to do an amnio this time but I told her that we had plenty of faith that Baby Lay was going to be a healthy baby.   No more visits.  No more Chipper Kate :).  On the way out she showed us a bulletin board with lots of baby pictures posted.  There Jay was right in the middle.  We told her goodbye for the last time and all of those workers in the clinic seemed to have the same relief we had.  It's amazing to see His plans continue to unfold.  He leaves me in awe.  He is such a faithful God.  1 Corinthians 1:9.  Beauty for Ashes.  God is still good.

Bye Bye High Risk Clinic!

I Hear the Rain...

So if you faithfully obey the commands I am giving you today -to love the Lord your God and to serve Him with all your heart and with all your soul then I will send rain on your land in its season, both autumn and spring rains, so that you may gather in your grain, new wine and olive oil. Deuteronomy 11:13-14

Rain is liquid water in the form of droplets that have condensed from atmospheric water vapor and then precipitated - that has become heavy enough to fall under gravity.  Rain is a major component of the water cycle and is responsible for depositing most of the fresh water on the planet.  It's a vital part of life and it's considered nourishment for humans, animals and plants.  We need rain.  1 Kings 18:41 says Then Elijah said to Ahab "Go up, eat and drink; for there is the sound of abundance of rain."  After several years of a drought, Elijah prayed for rain and when it wasn't received he trusted God that it would eventually come.  Throughout all of my sadness I trust God that my rain is on the way.  We've definitely had our share of rain clouds (and still do) over the past couple of years so we KNOW our rain is on the way.

We couldn't possibly wrap our minds around having another child and definitely not so soon.  We're still healing and Jesus is still binding up our shattered hearts.  But it is obvious that once again His plans prevail because on Easter morning (the greatest morning ever) we found out that yet again, we are expecting.  While our hearts were flooded with anxiety of having to experience last year all over again, there was also a small ray of sonshine.  The one thing I prayed for at the beginning of the year, if you remember, was for God to make my heart whole.  My due date is 11/30/12.  No words...How amazing is that??   Dr. J was very excited for us and quickly scheduled a prescreening appointment at UAMS.  To return to that high risk pregnancy clinic was definitely one of those overwhelming moments.  Sooo many memories flooded our minds, from a place that kept finding things wrong with Jay, it was definitely a place we never wanted to see the inside of again.   One of the times that we were there I remember sitting in the waiting room and having a conversation with another mom to be.  Listening to her describe her baby's future and the preparations she was making for him and all I could think was what a blessing.  A blessing that may not even be mine.  I remember that feeling of wanting what the other ladies were going to have but it just wasn't in my plans.  This time the wait was just as painful, fear of the unknown is uncomfortable, but help me Lord I'm still trusting You.  Chipper Kate greeted us again and took us back to counsel and prepare me.  They took several measurements of the back of our baby's head and did bloodwork on me to test my hormone levels which would test for downs and trisomy13/18.  My heart beat rapidly as Chipper Kate called me that same afternoon telling me that our results were in and everything looked great.  Of course it's not 100% confirmation but nothing is.  I will never take those words for granted again.  We are beyond excited because we know that this too is apart of His plans.  Just when you think the story is over it turns down another road.  We see God at work.  One thing I've learned is that we can choose to view God's plans for our life as positve or negative.  We can accept them or we can deny them, but when we deny them we're the ones missing out.  Faith without works is dead.  James 2:26.  His hands are all over this.  Friday we found out the sex of the baby.  Throughout our journey with Jay, I thanked God and gave Him all the glory when I was at my best.  I asked for her back when I was at my worst.  I think what overwhelms me more is not that He's answering my prayer, but that He heard me.  There's something about knowing that God loves us enough to hear our cries.  Yes, our baby is a girl (and if you know my daddy please don't tell him, he wants to be surprised.)  We are naming her Laykan Khristian Allen.  Khristian because that was also Jay's middle name and we feel there's a strong connection between the two.  You see what is evident is that when you give in obedience to God, He will definitely give back and give back more abundantly.  Luke 6:38.  He is certainly a keeper of His Word. I knew in my heart that one day I would receive joy for my mourning, a garment of praise for my spirit of heaviness, beauty for my ashes. I didn't know when but I knew that I would because He's just that good.  We still miss Jay like crazy, but the joy that we're feeling now is indescribable.  Like Elijah, I trust God that my rain is coming.  Yep...I hear the rain...Oh do I hear the rain...this is our year.  Beauty for Ashes and God is still good.

Beauty for Ashes...

For when I am weak, I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:10.   In this race called life, God gives us situations to transform us.  The opportunities are there but the choice is ours.   As I run this race the good Lord has set before me, I tend to gain more endurance as His plans for my life come together.  I think about Jay every morning, every day, every night.  I still sleep with her blanket that we wrapped her in so many times under my pillow.  Her lunch bag of bottles still hang by the door.  Her baby bag is still packed and hangs in my closet.  I can't believe how fast her first birthday is approaching.  I can't believe it's been almost a year when it clearly still feels like yesterday.  God is still so good.  I'm breathing again, with deep breaths, but I'm breathing.  I'm smiling more, sometimes through tears but I'm smiling.  I'm living with joy, one day at a time, but I'm living.  This is the year, it's definitely the year...Beauty for Ashes.

My Season of Transformation...

As I reflect back on the year of 2011, I realize that it will always be a year that I’ll remember as if it was yesterday.  It was a very vivid year for me.   Surreal but still very real.  As I sit and recall the year, the memories are permanently etched into my heart, or at least what’s left of it.  I remember in January as I walked out of the exam room from my first prenatal appointment, Dr. J was standing at the nurses desk as she looked at me and chuckled and said “come on preggo”.  I remember receiving the phone call that Jay was at risk of having downs and the panic that flew all over me.  I remember leaving my first UAMS appointment after finding out that Jay didn’t have downs but her cleft lip and palate was forming, with the tears running down my face and the receptionist that kept saying “believe, believe He just wants you to believe” and then the weakness in my legs as I walked down the incline to my car.  I remember that day when Raghan told me that she had prayed to God that He would not let Jay die.   I remember lying on the table in the Cardiology department at ACH with tears streaming down my face as the techs gasped at what they saw and then singing the song “Calvary” as I took the elevator to the 1^st floor.  I remember receiving the phone call from chipper Kate to confirm that Jay did have trisomy 13 as I tried to grasped the fact that this one phone call had changed my life forever.  I remember the song that I was listening to as I labored with Jay “Today’s a new day and there is no sunshine.  Nothing but clouds and it's dark in my heart and it feels like a cold night.  Today's a new day where are my blue skies, where is the love and the joy that you promised me you tell me it's alright.  I almost gave up but a power that I can't explain, fell from heaven like a shower.  I smile even though I'm hurt see I smile.  I know God is working so I smile, even though I've been here for a while, I smile,  smile..."   I remember Dr. J coming in as I got ready to give birth and she came to the head of the bed and whispered “I’ve been praying for you all day”.  I remember my prayer for God to allow her spirit make it out of my womb if only for just a little while and then He did. Oh the joy that overflowed my heart.  Now I sit back and think wow that powerful little spirit changed me, and how God’s presence has transformed me.  I remember after she was born I couldn’t find a doctor to check her out for me and then I called Teresa Little the director of Milestones and the compassion and warmth in her voice filled my heart as she said, “well we’ll check her out and do our own assessment.”  That day I finally felt like someone other than ourselves valued her and her life.  I remember that Saturday morning performing CPR on her and putting my face in my hands as I prayed to God to give her back because I just wasn’t ready.  I remember Mike and myself sitting with her as her sweet spirit slipped away on Thursday, October 6^th and then after everyone left including the funeral home with her little precious body, Mike and I sat outside in our lawn chairs looking into the black sky as if we’d somehow see her spirit somewhere up there looking down on us telling us that she was fine and everything was going to be okay.  I remember sleeping in my bed for the first time without her.  I remember leaving the cemetery after her burial and the heartache I had just knowing that I would be leaving her there forever.  I remember the dozens of times that she stared deep into my eyes as if she had a message for me.  Yes her memories are etched into my heart forever.  I’ve learned so much in the year of 2011.  I learned that it’s never really about the overwhelming moment, it’s more about the “moment” that the overwhelming moment is preparing you for.  I’ve learned not to take a breath from God for granted.  For some that breath is so hard to take.  If we’re breathing, we’re blessed.  I’ve learned that God does truly supply your needs right on time.  Some things that we think we should have, we don’t have because it’s not the time for us to have those things.  I’ve learned to live in the moment because tomorrow we may not have that moment.  I’ve learned that God is who He says He is.  Most of all I’ve learned to just trust God.  He says just believe that I AM who I say I AM.  Believe that I am able, willing and capable of doing anything that you ask.  But I’ve also learned that God may not answer our prayers the way that we think He should, but when the time is right He will answer and if we’re listening He will answer loud and clear.  This morning in church the pastor asked what one thing did we desire God to give us in the year 2012.  My one thing was the piece of my heart that died with Jay that day.  In 2012 I just want my heart to be made whole again and I trust God to do it because He is a God that never fails.  Yes I will remember this year as if it was yesterday.  Thank you for taking this journey with me.   I am thankful for so much, words can’t begin to describe. From the kind words that kept me going each day, to the boldness of your prayers.   Most of all I’m thankful for the peace of God that has sustained me and kept me from going crazy during the most difficult season of my life.  With both sadness and joy this will be my last blog entry for My Season of Hurdles is transitioning to my Season of Transformation.  I’m excited to see what He has in store for me and my family because you see there’s purpose behind all of this pain.  As I close this chapter of my life I will always keep my sweet precious baby girl’s memories alive in my heart.  I trust God completely to bring me full circle on this track.  I know He’s running with me while holding my hand, often picking me up to carry me on His back.  He’s been so good to me, so the only thing that is left me for me to say is Thank you Lord.  God is good.

Celebrating with the KING... Happy Birthday Jesus!

Gives me chills to know that my sweet, precious baby girl is celebrating the birthday of the KING with the KING!!  Wow what an honor for her.  I've been thinking about her all day, missing her like crazy.  It's getting harder for me to look at her pictures.  We celebrated Raghan's 7th birthday last Monday.  We lined up several surprises for her.  I asked her what she wanted her surprise to be and her eyes got big as she said "Baby Jay!"  I said baby, Baby Jay isn't coming back.  Really broke my heart, that out of all things in this world she asked for Jay.  When I talk about Jay to Bray (because I want him to remember as much as he can about her) he says, "Baby Jay sleep, she in heaven".  Thank you Lord Jesus.  Thank you for being born this day and dying 33 years later so that we may have life and have it more abundantly.  Because of you I know where my baby girl is.  Because of you I know she has life and while I miss her so I know she's having the time of her life.  Because of you, joy shines during my dark days, the tunnel has an end, I will breathe again, my heart will be made whole.  Because of you I have hope.  Thank you Lord for your birth as the angels rejoiced, the bells began to ring and God's awesome plan was set into motion that we may be set free.  Thank you that while Satan tries to hold us captive in our minds, captive in our lives, captive in our hearts, Jesus came to set the captive free through His birth, death and resurrection.  Where would I be, you only know, I'm glad you see through eyes of love, a hopeless case and empty place, if not for grace.  Please Lord give my sweet, precious baby girl an extra hug from me.  It can't get any better than that, to be hugged by the KING on His birthday.  Happy Birthday Jesus!  God is good.

More pics in memory of my sweet baby girl...

My Willow Tree angel called "Angel's Embrace" from my dear friend Mel

Memory board at Arkansas Children's Hospital in which we hung ornaments in memory of Jay

A stocking for Jay from my sweet friend Jan

Jay's name across the screen at Arkansas Children's as they called her name out loud

The ornament I decorated for Jay

Jay's ornament from Arkansas Children's Hospital

Walk on Lord, Walk on...

My heart's been heavy lately.  I think about Jay every hour on the hour. I just miss her so.  I think about her last moments and how helpless I felt and how I still do.  I just want to rock her forever and never let her go.  Last Sunday we went to a special memorial at Arkansas Children's Hospital for those that had passed away.  It was so nice and I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to honor my baby girl.  My heart went out to all of the others.  Just hearing the sniffles and seeing the tears that were shed truly broke my heart.  At that moment I realized just how grateful I really am. I didn't lose my baby girl through a tragedy and she didn't have to suffer, but some of those people did.  I didn't know their story but I felt a part of their hurt.  I just pray that they know exactly who God the Father, Jesus the Son and of course the Holy Spirit is because that's the only way I'm waking up every morning.  I couldn't imagine going through this alone and without my special guidebook of life, the Living Word.  Touch Lord.  My heart is still void and maybe it always will be.  I will continue to look to the hills which cometh my help and pour my heart out to God.  I trust God that a better season is coming my way but until then, I choose to sit back and watch Jesus walk on water during my current stormy season.  Walk on Lord, Walk on.  Nobody can do it like you do.  Thank you for your willingness, thank you for your grace, thank you for being you.  Thank you for being good.  God is good.

Those eyes...

I hope my cousin doesn't mind me sharing this...She had her first child 26 weeks into her pregnancy.  Baby girl weighed 1.6 lbs.  That was 13 years ago and she's completely healthy and gonna be a great ball player.  My cousin went on to have two miscarriages.  With her fourth child, her water broke 18 weeks into her pregnancy, because she was so far along she had to deliver the baby only for him to pass on because his lungs weren't developed enough to live outside of her body.  She just had a beautiful baby boy at 29 weeks into her pregnancy.  He weighs 3.9 lbs and I've never seen her so happy in all of her life.  Her joy is rising from within.  She could have never imagined this moment in her life.  She has so much joy that I can feel it.  Romans 8:18 says "What we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later."  We both agree that throughout all of her loss, nothing compares to this moment of joy that she's embracing now.  I know throughout everything that has happened in this season of my life, nothing can compare to the moment that I meet my Savior.  And although I may not know my baby girl when I first see her, since she will have on her new glorified body, that too will be a sweet, sweet moment.  The moment when she runs up to embrace me by putting her arms around my neck and looking into my eyes.  Because I know, that when I look into those eyes, our hearts will be united.  I'll never forget those eyes.  Thank you Lord.  God is good.

The MOUNTAINS in our lives...

Today as I turned my calendar on my desk, it read I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move Matthew 17:20.  I totally believe this scripture.  Through true faith great and mighty things happen.  However, all mountains in our lives are not meant to be moved no matter how much faith we have.  Sometimes we have to climb up the rough side of the mountain while holding God's powerful hand.  I remember that day when I walked out the first UAMS appointment, the check in lady kept saying you gotta Believe, He wants you to Believe.  Here I was with this mountain in front of me and His message to me was Trust me that I am who I say I am.  Sometimes we have to climb the mountain to build our character, to move to that next level.  To have more of Him.  Mountain climbing isn't meant to be easy.  If it was, we'd be climbing hills.  We have to climb mountains to get over stumps in our lives.  I've never climbed a mountain but I can only imagine the strength someone gains in their legs and the endurance they build up when they finish.  Wow! What strength we gain from our mountains.  What endurance we build.  Mountains can be a good thing for us and they hold great significance in the Bible.  Noah's ark came to rest upon Mt. Ararat.  Jesus had a private conversation with His disciples at Mt. Olive.  We have to remember that God is bigger than any mountain, after all He does cause them to tremble.  Judges 5:5 tells us that He can make mountains melt.  It's important that we don't run from our mountains.  That we don't become intimidated by our mountains.  He tells us in Matthew 21:21 to speak to our mountains.  They're mountains.  He's God.  What more do we need.   He didn't move my mountain but He is holding my hand as I'm slowly coming down the other side.  It was a steep mountain, but it only made me better, stronger, more grateful, more loving.  It gave me better vision, and it definitely gave me new spikes to run this race.  I'm hurdling with the wind beating against my face.  I started out slow but by the sweet precious, grace of God I'm gaining endurance.  My chest is on fire but I'm breathing. My storm has come but I'm still standing, I'm still running, I'm still hurdling.  What a Mighty God I serve!  Make them tremble Lord, make them tremble!  My God!  God is good!

My baby shoes keychain...

It's suppose to be Jay's birthstone (Ruby for July) but it turned out pink



On the back of one shoe is her name and on the back of the other shoe is her birthdate



More ornaments from my special friend at work...

Ornaments filled with Jay's memorial flowers

In memory of Baby Jay...

This year we're decorating our tree in memory of Baby Jay, the thought of her just makes my heart smile.

And for this I thank you...

Thanksgiving...normally I am so thankful to have all of my family alive and well (in my presence).  But this year I couldn't exactly say that.  I had to change things up.  Really I'm thankful that my family is alive and well either on this side of glory or the better side.  I'm thankful that I do know where my baby girl is and that she is well and ok.  As a matter of fact she couldn't be better.   She's being held and caressed by the King, our Father, her Father.  I'm simply thankful.  I'm thankful that although it's been a difficult year with an endurance of weeping, things will be brighter with joy coming.  I'm thankful because although I was so scared to bring Jay home from the hospital for fear of her passing here at home, God's plans prevailed and we brought her home and had the best times of our lives.  I wouldn't have had it any other way.  I'm thankful that her final moments WERE here in our home where we loved her most.  Although I painfully miss her I'm thankful that I will see her soon and feel her arms around me neck.  I trust Him.  He will not fail me.  I have so much to be thankful for.  Today Father, I'm thankful that you thought about me in your plans.  I'm thankful for receiving a gift that no one else could have ever given me.  I'm thankful  for an unspeakable connection with you.  I'm thankful for you because where would I be if not for your grace.  Thank you for my family being alive and well, whether with me or with you.  I've just got to say thank you.  This year I have been changed and for this I say thank you.  God is good.

In the year...I saw the Lord...

Isaiah 6:1-13 starts out with: 
 ¹ In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord, seated on a throne; high and lifted up, and the train of his robe filled the temple. ² Above him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. ³ And they were calling to one another:   “Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory...”  

Well in my year, that Baby Jay died, I saw the Lord, seated on a throne, high and lifted up, and the train of His robe has filled my temple.  No I didn't physically see Him, but I did see Him through the presence of Jay.  By definition a seraphim is an angelic being that stands in the presence of God.  My angelic being was my baby girl.  The train of God's robe represents His status, His strength, His majesty.  God's presence and majesty has completely filled my life.  It's filled my life in such an indescribable way.  The door posts of my life have been shaken by His voice and all I can think is how unworthy I am to have been handpicked for this beautiful angel, but God is telling me that the King of Glory has taken care of me, He has cleansed me and taken my iniquity away.  He's telling me that He wants me to forever speak His word.  Forever give my testimony of His goodness, of His glory. 

Beth Moore says that the only reason God allows all of the pain in our paths, as much as he loves us, is to bring good from it.  My journey will not be in vain.  She tells me that God uses painful experiences to birth our life's passions.  I can say without a doubt that losing Jay has been my most painful experience.  I miss her more than I can put into words.  I miss her smell, I miss her touch, I miss the sound of her cry.  It's hard to miss something and crave something that you can't do anything about.  Each week Raghan says "mama I miss baby Jay can we go see her today?"  I'm still waiting to dream about her.  To hold her in my dreams, to feel the reality of her in my dreams. It's hard to believe I'm separated from her.  I somewhat understand God's plans for her, but Oh how I miss her so.  YES, it has been my deepest pain to lose her.  You never want to feel helpless when it comes to your children.  You just want to be the Superman of their Universe, the captain of their ship, the pilot of their plane, but then again that's God's job and no one can do it as good as He can.  I have learned throughout this pain, this daily pain, that I have a deeper passion to serve God and bring glory to His name. Passion - an intense emotion or desire about something.  I find great excitement in talking about His goodness.  The train of His robe in my life gives me chills.  Through the removal of Jay from my life I hear God telling me that He wants me to have more.  More of Him.  But to have more of Him, I must find myself.  To find myself, my true secure self as I have learned, I must lose myself to something greater.  I must lose myself to Him.  My purpose in my life is to lose myself to Him so that I can have more of Him.  The fire is burning inside of me to tell about Him.  In order to come full circle with this pain inside of me I have to allow God to use me.  I cry out to you as Isaiah cried out, Here I am Lord, set me free to fulfill the purpose you have before me by working everything in my life together for your good.  Yes, in the year that I birthed and buried my baby girl, I birthed my passion as I saw the Lord, seated on a throne, high and lifted up.  You are God.  You ARE God and God is good.

A year later...

Never could I have imagined the train coming so quickly down my track only to look up and find its bright lights staring at me dead in my face.  It felt like slow motion. It's been a year since I became pregnant with Jay although I didn't know it at the time. The chromosomes were already sorted. My sweet precious angel was already growing into her presence in my womb. I can't believe how fast this year has come and gone.  I can hear the bells ringing and see the bright lights shining from heaven, as the angels rejoiced for the seed was now planted. The boldness of this child, the courage that she obtained, the strength that she was clothed in. The ship was sailing, the rocket had taken off, the plane had lifted, no turning back now the moment was here for the assignment was only beginning. Instructions were in order, obedience  was being followed. My precious, precious baby girl was on the way. For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord...Jeremiah 29:11. The plan was still in motion.  God was stirring this ship, God was piloting this plane.  God was in control of this plan.  God had the power over this destiny.  My God, so BIG, so powerful.  Nothing left to say but this was God and God is good.

But the greatest of these is love...Love sets us free!

I saw a beautiful baby girl today that was probably the same age that Jay would have been.  She was laughing and waving her arms and kicking her feet.  There was such joy in her eyes and I long to have that for Jay.  I just miss her so.  As crazy as it sounds there is  actually a comfort deep down inside that Jay lived the planned amount of time that she was destined to live.  There were never any plans for her to have a first day of school, to go to her senior prom or to walk down the aisle marrying the man of her dreams.  It was never in her plans to live beyond her 13 weeks and 2 days.  There's a comfort deep down inside of me that my child wasn't robbed of her childhood or even her life.  She lived a full life for a 13 week old.  What a blessing for me to know.  When I think about all of the visitors and all the prayers and all of those that showed up to her Celebration of Life, my heart though still void is yet full.  It's full because the love was felt.  I couldn't have asked for more love for her.  Love sets us free.  All of the love that surrounded Jay aka "my angel in disguise" set her free.  Because we loved her so much we set her free again the moment we asked God to receive her spirit.  My baby angel is flying free with a huge smile on her face, if only I could see the joy in her eyes.  Priceless.  I miss her so much that it hurts but I'm comforted enough by knowing that she lived a full life liberated by love.    "And now these three remain, faith, hope and love but the greatest of these is love."  1 Corinthians 13:13.  God is love, God is good.

Sweet Jesus...

Today is the one month anniversary of my sweet, sweet baby girl slipping away, back to the Father, the King of Glory.  My heart still aches and it seems that every day it hurts more and more instead of feeling better and better.  I miss her like crazy.  I have no words for the void that’s been left in my heart but I trust God to fill it when the time is right.  So thankful for my sweet, sweet Jesus.  Where would I be if not for His grace?? Sweet Jesus, who was forced to carry His own cross to His place of death.  Sweet Jesus, who was mocked for doing nothing wrong.  Sweet Jesus who was beaten over and over and over again.  Sweet Jesus with a crown of thorns placed upon His head as blood ran down His swollen beaten face.  In His final three hours from noon to three, the sky grew dark all over the land. As He called out to God to receive His spirit, the veil of the temple was torn into from top to bottom, the earth shook, the rocks split. Jesus!  Why would this sweet, sweet, INNOCENT man who died such a horrible death for me, care so much about me.  This sweet, sweet man sits to the right of God, interceding for me, catching every tear from me, feeling every crack in my heart and keeping every piece that shatters so that when the time is right He can make it whole again.  My sweet, sweet Jesus who heard my prayer and allowed me to hear my sweet baby girl’s voice when I didn’t know if she would survive birth.  My sweet, sweet Jesus allowed me to bring home my baby girl to enjoy a precious relationship with her.  My sweet, sweet Jesus who allowed me to be present during my sweet baby girl’s last hour.  To be able to hold her as her heart stopped beating, as her blood stopped flowing, as her chest stopped moving.   My sweet, sweet Jesus who heard my cry out to Him and in return He cried out to the Father for me.  How could this man love me so much??  What sweetness, what goodness.  Because of His incredible love for me, I know He’ll fill that void.  Because of His incredible love for me I know He’ll comfort my aching heart.  Because of that incredible love for me, I know we’ll meet again.  My sweet, sweet Savior.  My sweet, sweet baby girl.  Purity.  Nothing but goodness for God is good. 

Her sadness ... my ROCK...

This morning I miss Jay terribly.  As I study one of the pictures we took of her, Raghan and Braylan, I look into her eyes and see lots of sadness.  Not sadness for her but sadness for us.  Sadness because she doesn’t want us to be sad when her time came to return home.  She knew we would be, just like any other earthly parents.  I guess angels can be sad too.  Sometimes I wonder if when people pass if they feel more sad for us that are still here to live this life on earth.  Obviously earth can’t compare to heaven.  On July 2nd two days before Jay graced us with her presence I blogged "I just want to keep Jaylan in my belly forever.  I'm going to miss her presence in my life, her movements, her jerks.  Oh how I love her.  Still praying for strength and peace."  I knew the day would come when I would look down and wish deeply that she was back in my womb, kicking and moving and bonding with me.  Today is that day and I'm still praying for peace and strength.  Each night when I go to bed I look at her picture above our bed and I ask God to let me dream about her.  So far I haven’t and I’m sure when the time comes He will place her in my dreams.   I want to hold her one more time, pat her one more time, smell her one more time, kiss her one more time and look into those eyes just one more time.  My baby girl.  Michael has been blessed to dream about her.  David in the bible was an emotional man.  He prayed to God in Psalm 142:3 “When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, Then You knew my path.”  I trust you Lord that as grief overtakes me, You will continue to lead me in Your will.  As my flesh rise up against me, I trust You Lord that my spirit will overtake my flesh.  David cried out in Psalm 62:5-8 and said, “My rest is in You alone, God.  My hope comes from you.  You alone are my rock and my salvation, my stronghold.  Therefore, I will not be shaken.  My salvation and glory depend on You, Lord – my strong rock, my refuge.  So I will trust in You at all times.  I will pour out my heart before You, for You will hear me and answer in Your perfect time.”  Where would I be?  You only know, so glad you see through eyes of love, a hopeless case, an empty place if not for grace.  Amazing grace how sweet the sound, I once was lost but now I’m found, a hopeless case, an empty place if not for grace.  Precious Lord please take my hand.  Lead me on, let me stand, a hopeless case, an empty place if not for grace.  Thank you Lord for allowing me to have a relationship with you through your grace or else where would I be.  I trust you Lord for you are my ROCK.  I depend on you Lord to lead me on.  I cry out to you Lord as David did for my rest is in you ALONE.  I know I will dream about her in Your perfect time.  Thank you for your goodness.  Thank you for your Love.  Thank you for the existence of a better place Lord.  Fill my void, make my heart whole, I still have so much love I just don’t know what to do with it.  Your plans God.  I trust you.  God is good.

Setting the plan in motion...

On June 7, 2010, Michael lost his job with the Log Cabin.  I remember that day in June when he found out, he spent the whole day with his dad and chose not to inform me until later that evening.  Mostly because I normally jump off the deep end and turn beyond hysterical.  He wasn't for sure how I would react to the news.  Later that evening when he told me, I remember a sense of peace.  I told him that it was okay and that it must have been in God's plan and He would open a better door of opportunity for him.  I'm sure Michael wondered where his real wife had disappeared to.  I had always said that if one of us lost our job, we'd have to pack up and move in with my parents.  Wow, what a provider God has been to us.  It definitely hasn't been easy considering Mike is still unemployed but God has definitely been a keeper of His word.  He's provided for us every step of the way.  When we found out we were pregnant with Jay in January, I remember wondering why would God plant this seed with only one of us working.  I just couldn't understand His timing.  Aha moment: It's not always meant for us to understand His timing.  It's only meant for us to trust His timing because His timing will never be wrong.  Right after Jay passed I remember Michael saying how honored he was to be able to get up and take our kids to school and daycare everyday and pick them up.  He was a proud daddy.  Today as I walk around folding Jay's clothes and putting things away, God brought Michael's words to my remembrance as He slowly began to reveal another aspect of His plan to me.  We knew on that day a year and a half ago that Michael losing his job was all in God's plan for him but little did we know that God and the rest of heaven were rejoicing as He set the plan for Jaylan Khristian Allen in motion.  It was already in His plans that Michael would be needed to drop Jay off at daycare every morning at 8:15 and pick her up every afternoon at 2:30.  He knew with the limited precious amount of time that we would have with Jay that Michael would need to devote most of his time here at home instead of traveling in the evenings from county to county.  God continued to provide and prepare us as heaven prepared to release an angel into our lives to fulfill the work of the Lord.  What an amazing God I serve!  And then to think of heaven rejoicing again as she returned faithful to our God on October 6th.  Little did we know that it was all apart of the brilliant, life changing plan of God.  Thank you Lord for continuing to reveal to me your plan piece by piece.  In Habakkuk 2:2 God tells Habakkuk to "write the vision and make it plain on tablets".   Well now I see that God too will make His vision plain to us if we have patience and just trust Him.  Sometimes we just don't understand why God allows some things to happen in our lives.  We just don't get it and sometimes we may never understand.  But God just asks us to trust Him.  If we really believe that He is who He says He is when he says I AM GOD than we will trust Him.  Trust isn't just a word, but it's an action.  Thank you Lord for your manifestation.  Please continue to surround us with your spirit and fill the hole that has been left in our hearts and we will continue to trust you.  My God!  Full of goodness and magnificence.  God is good!

Change...

Really missing my baby girl.  Every chance someone gives me to share my story and tell how good God has been to us it takes me to a new level.  I will forever give my testimony.  I participate in a Beth Moore bible study at New Life Church and I'm learning that sometimes change is hard but if we want to move to that next level in Christ, it has to happen.  Beth tells us that God uses change not to destroy us but to change us.  Sometimes change is dramatic and sometimes one change can change everything.  Our change happened with the phone call of our amnio test results.  Philippians 1:6 says that He that began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.  This change has taught me to trust God.  REALLY trust God.  It has taught me to really believe in His plans.  Instead of talking about His plans, I'm living His plans.  Sometimes we know scripture so well but when we bring scripture to LIFE it really can change the perspective of things.  This change has revealed to me my purpose in life. My purpose.  In January of this year before we found out we were pregnant, I prayed to God that I felt distant from Him and I asked Him to restore our connection I also asked Him to use me as His vessel.  Little did I know His plans for me and Oh did He restore our connection even to the point of blessing me to carry one of His angels in my womb.  The closeness of His presence.  You can't tell me that God doesn't answer prayers.  Sometimes it's not the way we want them answered, but He answers according to His will.  The answer to my prayer came through a dramatic change in our lives.  I miss my Jay more and more everyday, but I choose to be thankful for the change.  The change that has brought me closer to Thee.  The change that has helped me connect to my soul.  The change that will allow me to look at life differently for the rest of my life.  The change.  Song on my heart tonight "Changed".  The change that God allowed to move me to that next level.  We are here for a purpose.  If we never find that purpose, than we deny ourselves the life that God created for us.  I will no longer deny myself.  I will forever give testimony of His goodness.  I will forever give Him the Glory.  Thank you Lord for my Jay.  Thank you Lord for my change.  God is good.

He says "Be still and know that I am God"

I have a confession to make and I have to be completely honest.  I wanted Jaylan to live a full life obviously because any parent wants their child to live a full and prosperous life.  But a small part of me wanted her to live just because doctors said she wouldn't and I wanted God to prove them wrong.  I know God has more power and I know that not all of the doctors we saw were believers.  A part of me kept thinking "show them Lord.  Just show them how mighty you really are.  Show them that You Are God and you have ALL power".  I wanted to go back and say "this was God!" I wanted them to know just who God really IS and to see firsthand what He's capable of because I know without a shadow of a doubt that He could have healed her here on earth.  It just wasn't His plan for her.  Her healing was in heaven.   When she passed I felt sad that some people that did not know God still don't.  Forgive me Lord for trying to take over your plan that you had created long before me.  Now as God continues to reveal Himself to me I feel Him saying, Oh the day will come when they will know just who I am.  I am God.  Here I am trying to prove who God really is and here He is saying I got this!  He reveals Himself in His own time.  He says "Be still and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the nations I will be exalted in the earth".  We don't have to "prove" a thing.  He will be exalted.  Thank you Lord for making it clear to me that you do not need my help.  Lord move me out of the way.  Sometimes God just needs us to be still.  He doesn't need us to be busybodies.  He needs us to just be still and realize the fullness of who He is.  I have to say, He's definitely awesome.  My God!  God is good!

Lord please fill the void...

We went to visit Jay's resting place today.  There's something about knowing that she's back home with God.  Most people don't know but we buried her in between my grandparents.  I can see them greeting her at heaven's gates.  I know she's even more spoiled up there, than she was down here.  Braylan's finally starting to ask "where is jay jay".  I told him we were going to visit her today and when we got to the cemetery he kept saying "mama where's jay".  I showed him where she was buried and I told him Jay was in heaven with God,  he said "jay come here".  Bless his heart one day he'll understand.  I ate lunch the other day at school with Raghan and her friends kept asking if Raghan really had a baby sister that died.  Raghan whispered across the table, "there was an angel in her body".  Priceless.  There doing so well and I'm so thankful to God for it.   I know He's giving them peace just like He's giving us. It makes me sad to think that one day Bray won't remember her since he's so young.  I pray that God continues to fill the void that's been left in my heart.  I trust that He can and I trust that He will in due time.  I find myself waking up during the night thinking about her because every night for 13 weeks I'd stare into her face as she slept between Michael and I.  Feels so weird for her not to be there.  Our bed feels empty.  I miss her and I vision her all through out the day in our home or in the car.  I haven't taken any of her clothes out of the closet yet or put up any of her things.   Although I have a bit of an empty feeling inside of me I know God is the King of Comfort and He hasn't failed me yet.  I trust Him.  I trust Him to continue to make me whole and to continue to move me into the position He has planned for me.  Missing and loving my sweet precious baby girl aka "my angel in disguise" but I know God got this one too.  God is good.

When the time is right...

God has certainly been busy revealing Himself to me this week and I'm thankful for that.  Sometimes when we're going through we have so many questions and we want to know why we have to go through the things set before us.  God is an all wise God, His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways are higher than our ways.  God doesn't always allow us to see the big picture ahead of time because we probably would fail to trust Him.  I'm learning that sometimes He just wants to know if we truly trust Him.  We probably couldn't handle the big picture and we probably wouldn't receive the message the way God intended us to receive it.  Sometimes God just need us to ride and let Him do the driving.  Obviously He doesn't need any help.  I'm so glad that He's slowly revealing Himself to me during this season of hurdles.  If I would have known ahead of time the road that was before me, I don't think I would have enjoyed the time that I had with Jay and I wouldn't have made the most of it.  I also don't think I would have learned all that I've learned.  He's revealed a lot to me about Jay's purpose and I'm sure He will continue to for years to come.  When we began finding things out back in March I could feel His voice in my soul telling me "When the time is right, I will reveal myself."  Until then His plan just had to unfold.  But I trusted Him then, I trust Him now, and I will continue to trust Him as He moves me into my future.  After all He does know best.  Thank you Lord for your perfect timing.  Thank you Lord for your perfect plan.  Thank you Lord for constantly revealing yourself to me and reminding me that You Are God!  God is good.

From the beginning to end...

Another lesson for me today is that when God uses us to complete His work He will give us every possible resource needed to finish the work.  When we found out we were pregnant with Jaylan we honestly didn't know where the money would come from to care for a third child.  I never had a baby shower because we weren't for sure if she would live after birth and we didn't want anyone to waste their money.  But Oh how God works.  We didn't have to purchase hardly a thing.  For 13 weeks with no baby shower we didn't have to purchase hardly a thing not even the cost of her daycare.  We didn't breastfeed, and we didn't apply for WIC.  God supplied the milk.  She didn't go without a single thing that a baby typically needs.  God supplied everything from the beginning to the end, including the cost of her memorial service.  He says "I am the Alpha, the Omega, the Beginning and the End, the First and the Last."  When God uses us to complete His work He will give us every possible resource needed to finish the work.  Psalm 23:1 says, "The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want".  We didn't have to want for a thing.  His grace IS sufficient and His grace got us through it.  You see God is a real God and He's a serious God.  God don't play and God don't half do things.  When God does something, He goes all the way.  When God has an assignment to be completed He will allow nothing to get in the way of the assignment being completed.  God is the God of all, money is nothing to Him.  Why are we so afraid to be used by God, not that we would admit it. Don't we trust Him?? Lord you know I don't deserve your goodness, but I thank you.  Thank you for showing up.  Thank you for showing out.  Thank you for being you.  You are God! God is good!

My angel in disguise...

One thing that I have now learned is that when God puts something in your heart He will confirm it if you allow Him too.  In the blog entry on August 7th, I stated "Sometimes when she's awake she stares so deep into my eyes and I stare so deep into her eyes.  It feels like she can see my soul and I can see her soul.  There's so much character in her soul.  So much life.  I see lots of strength and so much more that I just can't put my finger on but I trust God to show me in due time all that there is to know about her.  When I sing and talk about Jesus to her it seems as if she already knows Him but wants to know more."  I've had a feeling about her for a couple of days now.  My feeling was confirmed by God through a good friend of mine as well as an uncle.  I feel that Jay knew for herself the real purpose that she was here.  She knew she was here on assignment and she knew that she only had 13 weeks to complete it.  Jaylan was an angel in disguise.  She wasn't meant to be here any longer than she was.  She was on a mission for the kingdom of GLORY.  I felt like I was staring into her soul because I was.  I could see her strength because it was really there.   She listened to the stories about Jesus, because she already knew Him.  She was one of God's angels in disguise.  She knew.  We were chosen.  I can't put into words the overwhelming feeling that floods into my heart for being chosen.  The intimacy of His presence.  The realness of His work.  The MIGHTINESS of His power.  I cry tears of thankfulness because I don't know what else to do.  I'm so not worthy Lord.  I'm so not worthy, but I am thankful. You just never know when you're in the presence of His angels. God is good!

Biggest Hurdle of all...

Hurdle #32

Today I buried my baby girl.

Peace that surpasseth all understanding...

Today was a true celebration of not only Baby Jay's life on earth, but also Baby Jay's life in heaven.  We were truly blessed with God's PERFECT peace and comfort.  He's still blowing me away.   There's something about knowing that her soul is exactly where it should be.  I think that all along, her spirit knew.  Mike and I both agree that never in our life have we "not" broken down during a memorial service.  Wow God!  I wondered how I would feel on this day.  There's a peace about knowing that she's ok.  My sweet, precious baby girl is ok.  Lord I don't know how you do it, but you're amazing.  Thank you Lord.  Thank you for the whole journey.  Thank you for your goodness.  Thank you for your peace, thank you for being our strength and thank you for that precious baby angel you sent for your kingdom glory.  You are God and we bless your name!  God is good.

Day 4 without my baby girl

Today was a little better.  I feel God preparing me for tomorrow.  Usually it's the service where it hits me hard and I fall completely apart.  Today I viewed her body, and I had that feeling again.  The feeling of sadness as I left her for the second time, but I had to remind myself, it's just her body, her spirit's gone.  I couldn't bring myself to go to visitation so please forgive me.  I'm praying for God to build my strength for tomorrow.  I'm so thankful for the awareness of life and life's purposes throughout this journey.  God still amazes me because I'm still learning.  I almost have an excitement about her Celebration of Life tomorrow.  I'm feeling more peace.  Life is not about this world and the things of it.  Life is about Glory and everything around it.  I think when we truly realize that the things of this world will soon pass away, truly realize it, we'll be one step closer to God.  Once we begin living as if the things of this world will soon pass away, we'll be even closer.  Lord, you have my attention.  Lord I see your hand, I feel your presence.  Cover my mind and use me as your vessel.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for not giving me more than I can bear.  My family will be in need of your comfort tomorrow.  We will need you to mend our hearts, dry our tears, hold our hands and Lord most of all, show your Glory.  Rain on our celebration tomorrow with your Spirit.  Remove the heaviness of our hearts Lord and breathe new life into us.  Clean out my heart Lord, wash away my sins Lord, show up and show out.  In Jesus' name.  God is good.

Day 4 without Baby Jay

Hurdle #31
Today was a pretty decent day.  We took the kids to see the Lion King to try and stay positive.  Tomorrow I will go and view her body and I know it's going to be hard.  I haven't seen her since they took her from me Thursday night.  It just seems unreal to have someone come and take your baby away.  I'm asking God to provide me with the strength to make it through.  Send your peace Lord.  I trust Him.  I'm starting to get tired and I'm not getting much sleep because I think about her all night and I how I have to get use to not having her next to me.  Lord carry me through this week without my sweet precious baby girl.  It was the absolute best 13 weeks of my life!  So thankful I had them.  Very grateful He blessed me with them.  Thank you Lord,  I know you're not giving me more than I can bear.  Send your grace for tomorrow.  Thank you Lord.  God is good.

Day 2 without my sweet precious baby girl...

Hurdle #30
Day 2 without my sweet precious baby girl.  Thank you Lord for helping me to make it.  The day just seems so long.  I keep trying to remember every inch of her body and my mind is starting to fail me.  I'm trying to remember her smell.  I found one of her blankets and I know it's crazy but I keep it in bed with us.  I don't know if I'll ever wash it.  I'm trying to remember how she looked when she cried or just when she was sleeping.  I miss her so.  I feel so incomplete.  When I leave my house I feel like I'm leaving her.  When I look in the backseat I realize her carseat isn't there.  As the visitors come I find myself searching for a hand towel so that they may wash their hands.  I want to see her on her boppy.  I see her bottles in the kitchen cabinet and I realize I'll never fix another for her.  I sorted a load of her laundry and my heart broke all over again.  I know as I come across her constant reminders my heart will continue to break all over again.  Just one more walk, just one more bath.  To change her diaper one more time, to wrap her in my arms, to kiss her little cheeks, to smell her little neck just one more time.  Just to hear her cry.  I'm mad at my senses for failing me. I just miss her so.  It's such a big adjustment.  I know I only had her for 13 weeks but our lives changed in those 13 weeks.  How do you go back to the way things were before she entered our world?  Is it even possible?  Lord please fill this void that has been left in our lives.  Rain down on us.  We need peace to free our minds.  We need strength to finish our journey.  I still trust you Lord, you haven't brought me this far to leave me.  Never has death come so close to knocking on my door and coming inside our home.  Please continue to cover us with your grace Lord.  I can only lean on you.  Help me Lord to remember the great times that we were blessed with.  Help me Lord to celebrate the life of this sweet precious baby girl, the sweet fruit of my womb, and the purpose of her life.  Endurance Lord, I need you.  Help me to persevere.  Lord if you find me stubborn please drag me ahead.  I want to be where you want me to be.  Clean out my heart, wash away my sins for I'm just a sinner saved by grace.   Where would I be if not for grace.  Thank you Lord...Thank you Lord.  God is good.