Definitely thinking about my baby Jay during this time.  Lakyn is just over 13 weeks and the exact age of Jay when she passed.  What strength God gave me because I can't believe I made it through!  I still miss Jay deeply but Oh how I love my Lakyn!  Never could I have imagined how this little chunky girl would make my heart feel, yes God is a great God and has definitely given me Beauty for my Ashes!!  Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for her.   God is good indeed!



Watching Scooby Doo

Trying to pull Raghan's braids out

Chunky Cheeks

My Heart...He Hears...

This day last year I blogged "This morning in church the pastor asked what one thing did we desire God to give us in the year 2012. My one thing was the piece of my heart that died with Jay that day. In 2012 I just want my heart to be made whole again and I trust God to do it because He is a God that never fails. "

I am totally blessed because God has healed my heart by blessing us with Lakyn and wow, look at His timing.  While I still miss Jay's presence and spirit so so much and still get sad when I think too hard about her, I could have never imagined just how much God would bless me through out it all.  My heart is so full and content that I can't even put words to it.  I look at Lay and I smile from ear to ear.  She's amazing and out of everything that could have gone wrong with her, nothing did.  We're simply blessed.  Tonight as I was studying the book of Luke I read about Zechariah and Elizabeth:

Zechariah and Elizabeth tried for years to have a baby but just couldn't.  Zechariah was a priest and one day in his old age was chosen to go into the temple to burn incense.  It is during this time that an angel of the Lord appeared before him to tell him that his prayer had been answered and he and his wife were going to bear a son.   He had to be CHOSEN. 

Sometimes we have to be handpicked and chosen by God to endure certain circumstances and situations.  If we are never handpicked and chosen than how do we expect God to prepare us for the blessing?  The point is, we can't always look at our life's circumstances and situations and ask God why??  Instead we have to learn to look at them and know there's a blessing out there with our name on it.  We all are handpicked and chosen for something in our lives by God at some point whether we realize it or not.  The question is are we ready?  At this moment I am so thankful that I was handpicked and chosen by God for this journey and didn't miss out on this sweet, sweet blessing.  I am constantly in awe of Him and His love for us.  I'm confident that He felt that huge void in my heart this time last year and He heard my prayer.  1 John 5:14 says that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  Thank you Lord for using me as your vessel, hearing my prayer and blessing me in return.  God is certainly Good!

Welcome to this world Miss Lakyn Khristian! God is Good!

Baby Girl Lakyn Khristian made her arrival last Sunday morning at 1:49 am.  Two weeks early just as I thought she'd be.  My water broke around 8:00 Saturday night right in the middle of dinner.  Saturday had been such a calm and peaceful day I had even taken 2 naps out of boredom.  It was the calm before the storm :).  Everything went pretty fast and thankfully my fav Dr J was on call.  It doesn't get any better than that.  Shortly after I received my epidural (since I'm a baby to pain) I hit a 10 in dilation.  Dr. J who was just getting in the bed was called at 1:30 am and 19 minutes later, this beautiful child was born. She's just perfect.  It all still seams so unreal that she's here now.  She weighed 7 lbs 1 oz and was 18.5 inches long.

She favors Jay in so many ways and when she looks into my eyes it's as if she sees my soul.  It's almost as if she's been here before. She's so amazing we catch ourselves staring at her.  I also catch her smiling ALL the time.  The other day she was staring at me and I winked at her, a huge grin spread across her face.  I try to be ready with my camera to catch her in action.  Most of the time when she starts smiling she's looking up.  I've asked her several times if she's having conversations with the Lord.  So far everything has been the opposite of Jay.  It's as if Jay is back in the most healthy and happiest form ever.  I catch myself watching her sleep just to make sure her chest is moving.  Michael notices it and will say "She's breathing, don't worry".  I'm so used to making sure Jay was breathing that I have to get used to Lay being a healthy breather.  Friday she had her first check up since leaving the hospital and they felt that she was a little jaundice so we had to go over to the hospital to get a blood draw.  Thankfully everything came back fine she just wasn't having enough bowel movements. I realize that I've had to take the long way around with this journey and as I stare down into her big brown eyes I know beyond any doubt that God is paying me double for my trouble.  I just can't stop thanking Him for being so good!  She is such a good baby.  I love to hear her cry.  Jay's cry was so faint that to hear Lay cry is priceless to me.  It's moments like these that I'll treasure forever.  Raghan is in love with her and of course is a huge help, I almost hate for her to go back to school.  I think I need her here :).  Bray is excited in his own way.  Mostly he doesn't like to hear her cry, not that it gets on his nerves, he just thinks something is wrong and it scares him.

God is so awesome.  I'm so excited to see this child grow up.  I'm so blessed to be her mama. I just pray that I'll be the best mama that I can possibly be.  It's raining!  Beauty for Ashes! God is Good!

Raghan and Lakyn

Braylan and Lakyn

 

Daddy and Lakyn

 

On the way home from the hospital
 

Sleeping peacefully

Sleeping peacefully again

Happy Thanksgiving!

First doctor's appointment
 

ALL SMILES

Oh my...

I think the time is quickly approaching judging by dr. J's nonverbal cues. I've dilated to 2 and Lay has dropped. My thighs are quite sore just from the pressure and it's starting to get a little tougher to move around at times. I'm having lots of irregular contractions but nothing unbearable. I really don't know how I'm feeling emotionally. I honestly couldn't tell you if I am ready or not. We're nearly finished getting everything in place which is a huge relief. We are about 98% ready here at home. Oh yeah I almost forgot, I finally managed to give my toes a fresh coat of paint and get Raghan's hair braided up which took 7 1/2 hours (I'm very slow). That was starting to stress me out. My house is even half way clean. Mike worked like a dog for me this weekend. Pray for him because I think I'm starting to be a handful for him to deal with :). From here on out I'm just kicking back. I'm feeling really good but I think I'm running on adrenaline. This journey has been amazing and I know the best is yet to come. Once again I'm seeing God's handprints. I'm patiently waiting. Who knows where I'll be the next time I blog. Beauty for Ashes. God is so good!

The fight, the war, the battle...

Ephesians 6:12 says "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places."  Life can be hard.  It can be rough and tough.  It can be brutal.  Sometimes our breath can be knocked out of us like an unnatural force.  Everyone has ups and downs.  Everyone walks through the valley at some point during their life.  No matter how things look on the outside no one has a perfect life.  The important factor is that we must know that the enemy is a busy force of pure wickedness.  He's roaming the earth searching, plotting, planning ways to take us down, to pull our families apart, to replace hope with depression, to replace our faith with doubt.  We ARE in a war.  A daily war, His word tells us so.  The problem is sometimes WE forget.  We have busy lives and when things don't go our way we began to question why, how, what went wrong.  You see the enemy is on top of his game more than ever these days.  Oh he's fearful.  He's fearful because in the end he's really on the bottom.  We are under a huge attack and without God's armour we are fighting in the flesh.  When things began to happen in our lives whether it be financial, bills, layoffs or our health that hits too close to home as we stand before doctors shaking their heads or maybe someone in our family who's losing the daily battle against the enemy himself and begins to fall away from God.  It could be our jobs or even bitterness that takes up home in our hearts because of what someone once done or said to us or it could be our children being attacked or our marriage slipping away.  Maybe we're just unhappy and looking in all of the wrong places for that special gift called joy that can only be found in the Almighty alone.  We are under attack everyday!  The question is why are we trying to fight this fight, this war, this battle with our flesh??!!!  Why are we looking at our situations through our fleshly glasses that we thought we traded in for spiritual glasses??  We must fight in the SPIRIT.  No wonder things look so bleak and dark because we have the wrong glasses on.  The battle is hard because we are going at it alone without the one that matters most.  We have to speak into our atmosphere.  Proverbs 18:21 tells us clearly that death and life are in the power of the tongue.  In bible study we've been studying the book of Nehemiah and one of the most important things I've learned is to not only confess the sin in our heart but to confess His promises aloud.  We have been set free to do so!  We must confess the spirit of depression, the spirit of doubt, the spirit of lack and claim the spirit of love, the spirit of freedom, the spirit of hope and faith, the spirit of provision.  We have got to put on our armour and take it off for no reason because the enemy is patiently waiting to sneak into any holes or cracks in our life that he can find.  But see through Jesus we are already on top. We are on top and we're covered by His blood and no spiritual wickedness can take that away.  We must check our minds in with the Spirit of God.  Romans 12:2 says "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."  We have to learn how to fight this fight, this war, this battle and fight it the right way, through the SPIRIT.  He's waiting on us.  Waiting on us to choose the SPIRIT over our flesh.  This is a daily battle.  We must look at our situations differently.  God is all powerful and Praise His name He is the God we serve!!  Beauty for Ashes!  God is Good!

Getting Closer...

I'm still waddling.  We are 4 weeks out and are very excited to meet Miss Lakyn Khristian.  I haven't posted in a while because I've been so exhausted.  Michael's working long hours so usually by the end of the day I'm barely standing.  We're about 80% ready for Lay.  The crib is painted, the car seat is ready and the hospital bag is packed.  I'm still trying to decide mentally if I'm ready.  Physically I'm passed ready :).  It will definitely be an adustment to transition back to a family of 5.  I often call Lakyn Jaylan.  It's been so hard to break but rest assured Raghan corrects me everytime. Sweet things that I'm thankful for:  During Sunday night prayer, Raghan asked God to let Lakyn be healthy and to be filled with His glory when she grows up.  From a child...speechless.  I'm also thankful that during beautiful nights the kids look for the brightest star in the sky and says Mama there's Baby Jay right there, right there!  Priceless.  Beauty for Ashes, I feel the rain.  God is so good!

Disappeared or Appearing...

Sometimes we just don’t understand why God has planned our lives the way He has and we pray for understanding and relief but in return sometimes we only receive God’s silence.  From scripture Job 1:1 we learn that Job was a blameless and upright man, one who feared God and shunned evil.  He was a man that had everything yet Job lost everything and on top of that when he cried out to God, God remained silent as if He’d disappeared.  However Hebrews 12:6 tells us that the Lord chastens those that He loves and in 2 Chronicles 32:31 we learn that God left Hezekiah to test Him. One of Job’s friends Elihu told Job that even though you can’t see God, trust in Him.  It’s so easy to wonder where God is when we’re alone and feel that we need Him the most.  When our backs are against the wall or even when the walls are closing in on us.  But it’s during these times that we seek God the most.  I believe it’s during these times that we find out who God really is in His omnipotence.   So really when it seems that God has disappeared He is really appearing and showing us who He is in all of His glory.   Light always shines through the darkness.  We just can’t see it through our flesh, only through the spirit of faith.  Help me Lord to see your light through the darkness around me.  God is so good.  This is our year.  Beauty for ashes.

26 Weeks!!!

 

A tap on the shoulder...

I've been studying a book called When God Shows Up by R.T. Kendall.  His account of Moses and the burning bush  is that Moses notices a burning bush but doesn't really think anything about it.  When the bush keeps burning and Moses realizes that the bush isn't being consumed by the fire he gets curious.  When he walks closer to the bush he hears God's voice.  God basically tapped on Moses' shoulder and told him that He (God) needed him to do something for Him. He needed him to bring His people, the Israelites, out of Egypt.  If I could imagine a conversation between God and myself (had I not freaked out) it would have gone something like this:

Tap on my shoulder. "Tyisha, you know how I love you so, right? I have great plans for you in your life. I have hand picked you to bring one of My most precious angels into the world.  She will be born to you on a special day celebrated by many Americans. She will have her share of hardships during her journey and so will you.  She will only be with you for a short period of time. 8 1/2 months, 13 weeks and 3 days to be exact. Don't panic, it's all apart of My master plan. You see, she's already aware of the plan.  You will be able to look into her eyes and know it.  I'll be there to give you all the comfort that you need and My peace that I will leave with you will surpass all understanding.   You will hurt and your heart will be broken, but don't worry, the blood that My son shed for you will bind your heart back together again.  Like I said, My plan is a master plan, and in due time you will see her again, sooner than you know.  Before its all over I will take you places in our relationship that you have never been before.  You will see My POWER.  I AM WHO I AM.  The only thing I ask of you is to make ME known and don't give up, just trust me. " 

Have you ever been tapped on the shoulder before?  Better yet, how would you respond if He did right this moment?  God uses us to carry out all kind of plans for Him whether we know it or not. He is so good. God is so good!  Beauty for Ashes. This is our year.

Celebrating Jay's Birthday...



Gorgeous flowers sent to me at work in memory of Jay's Birthday from my delivery nurse and Jay's nursery nurses...so sweet

Starting the Birthday morning off with a bang (just like Jay) with orange smoothies

Enjoying their smoothies

Singing Happy Birthday to Jay - brownies and ice cream

Ready to blow out the candle

Painting something special for Dr. J for bringing Jay into the world

Finished project, not the best but straight from our hearts - "I Deliver Baby Angels" with a halo around the B.

Enjoying ice cream on my birthday with Raghan - bittersweet day, the day we signed Jay into Hospice and brought her home from the hospital

Happy Birthday Sweet Baby Jay...Perfect Timing...

Happy Birthday to my sweet Baby Jay!  Can't believe it's already been a year.  Oh the things that she would be doing...  We have a few things planned to celebrate this wonderful day.  Yesterday we had our big anatomical ultrasound at UAMS.  I didn't even realize until a few weeks ago that this big appointment was scheduled the day before Jay's birthday.   They looked at every possible thing with Baby Lay that they could see.  We even saw her lips and palate.  No structural damage anywhere.  We saw all four chambers of the heart which was bittersweet.  All I could think of was the cardiac doctor telling me that Jay's heart wasn't normal and was too fatty (loosey goosey, his exact words) but here I was yesterday seeing that Lay's heart was beautiful and healthy.  At one point the tech said, "She's bouncing up and down because she's lying on your aorta."  This child was bouncing from my heartbeat :).  I've never been told that before.  What a message.  I feel that God was telling me that Jesus has come to bind the brokenhearted.  (Isaiah 61)  Here this sweet baby girl was lying close to my heart to remind me that He's still holding my heart especially during the time that I need Him most.  Huge messages can come in the smallest packages.  Don't overlook the small things.  I don't think I can even describe the relief we felt leaving the high risk clinic for the last time.  Chipper Kate asked if we wanted to do an amnio this time but I told her that we had plenty of faith that Baby Lay was going to be a healthy baby.   No more visits.  No more Chipper Kate :).  On the way out she showed us a bulletin board with lots of baby pictures posted.  There Jay was right in the middle.  We told her goodbye for the last time and all of those workers in the clinic seemed to have the same relief we had.  It's amazing to see His plans continue to unfold.  He leaves me in awe.  He is such a faithful God.  1 Corinthians 1:9.  Beauty for Ashes.  God is still good.

Bye Bye High Risk Clinic!

I Hear the Rain...

So if you faithfully obey the commands I am giving you today -to love the Lord your God and to serve Him with all your heart and with all your soul then I will send rain on your land in its season, both autumn and spring rains, so that you may gather in your grain, new wine and olive oil. Deuteronomy 11:13-14

Rain is liquid water in the form of droplets that have condensed from atmospheric water vapor and then precipitated - that has become heavy enough to fall under gravity.  Rain is a major component of the water cycle and is responsible for depositing most of the fresh water on the planet.  It's a vital part of life and it's considered nourishment for humans, animals and plants.  We need rain.  1 Kings 18:41 says Then Elijah said to Ahab "Go up, eat and drink; for there is the sound of abundance of rain."  After several years of a drought, Elijah prayed for rain and when it wasn't received he trusted God that it would eventually come.  Throughout all of my sadness I trust God that my rain is on the way.  We've definitely had our share of rain clouds (and still do) over the past couple of years so we KNOW our rain is on the way.

We couldn't possibly wrap our minds around having another child and definitely not so soon.  We're still healing and Jesus is still binding up our shattered hearts.  But it is obvious that once again His plans prevail because on Easter morning (the greatest morning ever) we found out that yet again, we are expecting.  While our hearts were flooded with anxiety of having to experience last year all over again, there was also a small ray of sonshine.  The one thing I prayed for at the beginning of the year, if you remember, was for God to make my heart whole.  My due date is 11/30/12.  No words...How amazing is that??   Dr. J was very excited for us and quickly scheduled a prescreening appointment at UAMS.  To return to that high risk pregnancy clinic was definitely one of those overwhelming moments.  Sooo many memories flooded our minds, from a place that kept finding things wrong with Jay, it was definitely a place we never wanted to see the inside of again.   One of the times that we were there I remember sitting in the waiting room and having a conversation with another mom to be.  Listening to her describe her baby's future and the preparations she was making for him and all I could think was what a blessing.  A blessing that may not even be mine.  I remember that feeling of wanting what the other ladies were going to have but it just wasn't in my plans.  This time the wait was just as painful, fear of the unknown is uncomfortable, but help me Lord I'm still trusting You.  Chipper Kate greeted us again and took us back to counsel and prepare me.  They took several measurements of the back of our baby's head and did bloodwork on me to test my hormone levels which would test for downs and trisomy13/18.  My heart beat rapidly as Chipper Kate called me that same afternoon telling me that our results were in and everything looked great.  Of course it's not 100% confirmation but nothing is.  I will never take those words for granted again.  We are beyond excited because we know that this too is apart of His plans.  Just when you think the story is over it turns down another road.  We see God at work.  One thing I've learned is that we can choose to view God's plans for our life as positve or negative.  We can accept them or we can deny them, but when we deny them we're the ones missing out.  Faith without works is dead.  James 2:26.  His hands are all over this.  Friday we found out the sex of the baby.  Throughout our journey with Jay, I thanked God and gave Him all the glory when I was at my best.  I asked for her back when I was at my worst.  I think what overwhelms me more is not that He's answering my prayer, but that He heard me.  There's something about knowing that God loves us enough to hear our cries.  Yes, our baby is a girl (and if you know my daddy please don't tell him, he wants to be surprised.)  We are naming her Laykan Khristian Allen.  Khristian because that was also Jay's middle name and we feel there's a strong connection between the two.  You see what is evident is that when you give in obedience to God, He will definitely give back and give back more abundantly.  Luke 6:38.  He is certainly a keeper of His Word. I knew in my heart that one day I would receive joy for my mourning, a garment of praise for my spirit of heaviness, beauty for my ashes. I didn't know when but I knew that I would because He's just that good.  We still miss Jay like crazy, but the joy that we're feeling now is indescribable.  Like Elijah, I trust God that my rain is coming.  Yep...I hear the rain...Oh do I hear the rain...this is our year.  Beauty for Ashes and God is still good.

Beauty for Ashes...

For when I am weak, I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:10.   In this race called life, God gives us situations to transform us.  The opportunities are there but the choice is ours.   As I run this race the good Lord has set before me, I tend to gain more endurance as His plans for my life come together.  I think about Jay every morning, every day, every night.  I still sleep with her blanket that we wrapped her in so many times under my pillow.  Her lunch bag of bottles still hang by the door.  Her baby bag is still packed and hangs in my closet.  I can't believe how fast her first birthday is approaching.  I can't believe it's been almost a year when it clearly still feels like yesterday.  God is still so good.  I'm breathing again, with deep breaths, but I'm breathing.  I'm smiling more, sometimes through tears but I'm smiling.  I'm living with joy, one day at a time, but I'm living.  This is the year, it's definitely the year...Beauty for Ashes.

My Season of Transformation...

As I reflect back on the year of 2011, I realize that it will always be a year that I’ll remember as if it was yesterday.  It was a very vivid year for me.   Surreal but still very real.  As I sit and recall the year, the memories are permanently etched into my heart, or at least what’s left of it.  I remember in January as I walked out of the exam room from my first prenatal appointment, Dr. J was standing at the nurses desk as she looked at me and chuckled and said “come on preggo”.  I remember receiving the phone call that Jay was at risk of having downs and the panic that flew all over me.  I remember leaving my first UAMS appointment after finding out that Jay didn’t have downs but her cleft lip and palate was forming, with the tears running down my face and the receptionist that kept saying “believe, believe He just wants you to believe” and then the weakness in my legs as I walked down the incline to my car.  I remember that day when Raghan told me that she had prayed to God that He would not let Jay die.   I remember lying on the table in the Cardiology department at ACH with tears streaming down my face as the techs gasped at what they saw and then singing the song “Calvary” as I took the elevator to the 1^st floor.  I remember receiving the phone call from chipper Kate to confirm that Jay did have trisomy 13 as I tried to grasped the fact that this one phone call had changed my life forever.  I remember the song that I was listening to as I labored with Jay “Today’s a new day and there is no sunshine.  Nothing but clouds and it's dark in my heart and it feels like a cold night.  Today's a new day where are my blue skies, where is the love and the joy that you promised me you tell me it's alright.  I almost gave up but a power that I can't explain, fell from heaven like a shower.  I smile even though I'm hurt see I smile.  I know God is working so I smile, even though I've been here for a while, I smile,  smile..."   I remember Dr. J coming in as I got ready to give birth and she came to the head of the bed and whispered “I’ve been praying for you all day”.  I remember my prayer for God to allow her spirit make it out of my womb if only for just a little while and then He did. Oh the joy that overflowed my heart.  Now I sit back and think wow that powerful little spirit changed me, and how God’s presence has transformed me.  I remember after she was born I couldn’t find a doctor to check her out for me and then I called Teresa Little the director of Milestones and the compassion and warmth in her voice filled my heart as she said, “well we’ll check her out and do our own assessment.”  That day I finally felt like someone other than ourselves valued her and her life.  I remember that Saturday morning performing CPR on her and putting my face in my hands as I prayed to God to give her back because I just wasn’t ready.  I remember Mike and myself sitting with her as her sweet spirit slipped away on Thursday, October 6^th and then after everyone left including the funeral home with her little precious body, Mike and I sat outside in our lawn chairs looking into the black sky as if we’d somehow see her spirit somewhere up there looking down on us telling us that she was fine and everything was going to be okay.  I remember sleeping in my bed for the first time without her.  I remember leaving the cemetery after her burial and the heartache I had just knowing that I would be leaving her there forever.  I remember the dozens of times that she stared deep into my eyes as if she had a message for me.  Yes her memories are etched into my heart forever.  I’ve learned so much in the year of 2011.  I learned that it’s never really about the overwhelming moment, it’s more about the “moment” that the overwhelming moment is preparing you for.  I’ve learned not to take a breath from God for granted.  For some that breath is so hard to take.  If we’re breathing, we’re blessed.  I’ve learned that God does truly supply your needs right on time.  Some things that we think we should have, we don’t have because it’s not the time for us to have those things.  I’ve learned to live in the moment because tomorrow we may not have that moment.  I’ve learned that God is who He says He is.  Most of all I’ve learned to just trust God.  He says just believe that I AM who I say I AM.  Believe that I am able, willing and capable of doing anything that you ask.  But I’ve also learned that God may not answer our prayers the way that we think He should, but when the time is right He will answer and if we’re listening He will answer loud and clear.  This morning in church the pastor asked what one thing did we desire God to give us in the year 2012.  My one thing was the piece of my heart that died with Jay that day.  In 2012 I just want my heart to be made whole again and I trust God to do it because He is a God that never fails.  Yes I will remember this year as if it was yesterday.  Thank you for taking this journey with me.   I am thankful for so much, words can’t begin to describe. From the kind words that kept me going each day, to the boldness of your prayers.   Most of all I’m thankful for the peace of God that has sustained me and kept me from going crazy during the most difficult season of my life.  With both sadness and joy this will be my last blog entry for My Season of Hurdles is transitioning to my Season of Transformation.  I’m excited to see what He has in store for me and my family because you see there’s purpose behind all of this pain.  As I close this chapter of my life I will always keep my sweet precious baby girl’s memories alive in my heart.  I trust God completely to bring me full circle on this track.  I know He’s running with me while holding my hand, often picking me up to carry me on His back.  He’s been so good to me, so the only thing that is left me for me to say is Thank you Lord.  God is good.

Celebrating with the KING... Happy Birthday Jesus!

Gives me chills to know that my sweet, precious baby girl is celebrating the birthday of the KING with the KING!!  Wow what an honor for her.  I've been thinking about her all day, missing her like crazy.  It's getting harder for me to look at her pictures.  We celebrated Raghan's 7th birthday last Monday.  We lined up several surprises for her.  I asked her what she wanted her surprise to be and her eyes got big as she said "Baby Jay!"  I said baby, Baby Jay isn't coming back.  Really broke my heart, that out of all things in this world she asked for Jay.  When I talk about Jay to Bray (because I want him to remember as much as he can about her) he says, "Baby Jay sleep, she in heaven".  Thank you Lord Jesus.  Thank you for being born this day and dying 33 years later so that we may have life and have it more abundantly.  Because of you I know where my baby girl is.  Because of you I know she has life and while I miss her so I know she's having the time of her life.  Because of you, joy shines during my dark days, the tunnel has an end, I will breathe again, my heart will be made whole.  Because of you I have hope.  Thank you Lord for your birth as the angels rejoiced, the bells began to ring and God's awesome plan was set into motion that we may be set free.  Thank you that while Satan tries to hold us captive in our minds, captive in our lives, captive in our hearts, Jesus came to set the captive free through His birth, death and resurrection.  Where would I be, you only know, I'm glad you see through eyes of love, a hopeless case and empty place, if not for grace.  Please Lord give my sweet, precious baby girl an extra hug from me.  It can't get any better than that, to be hugged by the KING on His birthday.  Happy Birthday Jesus!  God is good.

More pics in memory of my sweet baby girl...

My Willow Tree angel called "Angel's Embrace" from my dear friend Mel

Memory board at Arkansas Children's Hospital in which we hung ornaments in memory of Jay

A stocking for Jay from my sweet friend Jan

Jay's name across the screen at Arkansas Children's as they called her name out loud

The ornament I decorated for Jay

Jay's ornament from Arkansas Children's Hospital

Walk on Lord, Walk on...

My heart's been heavy lately.  I think about Jay every hour on the hour. I just miss her so.  I think about her last moments and how helpless I felt and how I still do.  I just want to rock her forever and never let her go.  Last Sunday we went to a special memorial at Arkansas Children's Hospital for those that had passed away.  It was so nice and I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to honor my baby girl.  My heart went out to all of the others.  Just hearing the sniffles and seeing the tears that were shed truly broke my heart.  At that moment I realized just how grateful I really am. I didn't lose my baby girl through a tragedy and she didn't have to suffer, but some of those people did.  I didn't know their story but I felt a part of their hurt.  I just pray that they know exactly who God the Father, Jesus the Son and of course the Holy Spirit is because that's the only way I'm waking up every morning.  I couldn't imagine going through this alone and without my special guidebook of life, the Living Word.  Touch Lord.  My heart is still void and maybe it always will be.  I will continue to look to the hills which cometh my help and pour my heart out to God.  I trust God that a better season is coming my way but until then, I choose to sit back and watch Jesus walk on water during my current stormy season.  Walk on Lord, Walk on.  Nobody can do it like you do.  Thank you for your willingness, thank you for your grace, thank you for being you.  Thank you for being good.  God is good.

Those eyes...

I hope my cousin doesn't mind me sharing this...She had her first child 26 weeks into her pregnancy.  Baby girl weighed 1.6 lbs.  That was 13 years ago and she's completely healthy and gonna be a great ball player.  My cousin went on to have two miscarriages.  With her fourth child, her water broke 18 weeks into her pregnancy, because she was so far along she had to deliver the baby only for him to pass on because his lungs weren't developed enough to live outside of her body.  She just had a beautiful baby boy at 29 weeks into her pregnancy.  He weighs 3.9 lbs and I've never seen her so happy in all of her life.  Her joy is rising from within.  She could have never imagined this moment in her life.  She has so much joy that I can feel it.  Romans 8:18 says "What we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later."  We both agree that throughout all of her loss, nothing compares to this moment of joy that she's embracing now.  I know throughout everything that has happened in this season of my life, nothing can compare to the moment that I meet my Savior.  And although I may not know my baby girl when I first see her, since she will have on her new glorified body, that too will be a sweet, sweet moment.  The moment when she runs up to embrace me by putting her arms around my neck and looking into my eyes.  Because I know, that when I look into those eyes, our hearts will be united.  I'll never forget those eyes.  Thank you Lord.  God is good.

The MOUNTAINS in our lives...

Today as I turned my calendar on my desk, it read I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move Matthew 17:20.  I totally believe this scripture.  Through true faith great and mighty things happen.  However, all mountains in our lives are not meant to be moved no matter how much faith we have.  Sometimes we have to climb up the rough side of the mountain while holding God's powerful hand.  I remember that day when I walked out the first UAMS appointment, the check in lady kept saying you gotta Believe, He wants you to Believe.  Here I was with this mountain in front of me and His message to me was Trust me that I am who I say I am.  Sometimes we have to climb the mountain to build our character, to move to that next level.  To have more of Him.  Mountain climbing isn't meant to be easy.  If it was, we'd be climbing hills.  We have to climb mountains to get over stumps in our lives.  I've never climbed a mountain but I can only imagine the strength someone gains in their legs and the endurance they build up when they finish.  Wow! What strength we gain from our mountains.  What endurance we build.  Mountains can be a good thing for us and they hold great significance in the Bible.  Noah's ark came to rest upon Mt. Ararat.  Jesus had a private conversation with His disciples at Mt. Olive.  We have to remember that God is bigger than any mountain, after all He does cause them to tremble.  Judges 5:5 tells us that He can make mountains melt.  It's important that we don't run from our mountains.  That we don't become intimidated by our mountains.  He tells us in Matthew 21:21 to speak to our mountains.  They're mountains.  He's God.  What more do we need.   He didn't move my mountain but He is holding my hand as I'm slowly coming down the other side.  It was a steep mountain, but it only made me better, stronger, more grateful, more loving.  It gave me better vision, and it definitely gave me new spikes to run this race.  I'm hurdling with the wind beating against my face.  I started out slow but by the sweet precious, grace of God I'm gaining endurance.  My chest is on fire but I'm breathing. My storm has come but I'm still standing, I'm still running, I'm still hurdling.  What a Mighty God I serve!  Make them tremble Lord, make them tremble!  My God!  God is good!

My baby shoes keychain...

It's suppose to be Jay's birthstone (Ruby for July) but it turned out pink



On the back of one shoe is her name and on the back of the other shoe is her birthdate



More ornaments from my special friend at work...

Ornaments filled with Jay's memorial flowers